Finances

One area many of us have concerns with is our financial security. I studied personal finance in college and once worked as a Series 7 Licensed Securities Advisor, so I have extensive knowledge of stocks, bonds, mutual funds, options and real estate. I teach basic money management to clients and patients in aftercare programs. I find many recovering people have little knowledge and experience of basic personal finances. They have not set financial goals, they do not understand credit card debt and they do not recognize the value of savings and investing. Therefore, these folks are usually very enthused to learn more about personal finances. However, there is much more to grasp about prosperity than the mathematics of compound interest and dollar-cost-averaging. Even personally, there has always been something missing regarding my awareness and understanding of prosperity.

Abundance and Prosperity

An important area to address first is our beliefs regarding abundance and prosperity. I recognize now that technical knowledge is not enough; I needed to change my mindset toward wealth. First, I had to acknowledge is that money is not evil; however, the lust for money is evil.

I recently completed day 40 of The 40-Day Prosperity Plan, as outlined in Dr. John Randolph Price’s The Abundance Book. The 40-Day Plan consists of experiencing one of ten principles every day and repeating the cycle four times. Each principle has several thought-provoking statements within. Every morning upon rising (before my human thoughts have a chance to start badgering me with negativity), I read one of the principles over and over. I mediate on that principle for a minimum of 15 minutes and then immediately transition into journaling my thoughts on that principle.

The instructions insist that in order to benefit from this process, you must do it for 40 consecutive days, and if you miss a day you should start over on day one. (This was a little tricky for me to manage as I lose and gain days by constantly flying over the International Date Line.) Each principle consists of several meaningful statements; each statement features several very pointed words. These words, some of which are very commonly used, often take on new meaning. For example: The word, Source (purposely capitalized), actually is referring to God’s presence within. It can also mean our Spirit and the consciousness of God within that is our Supply. Other profound words that are meant to be focused upon during meditations are:

• Infinite Prosperity
• Form
• Divine Consciousness
• Divine Power
• Total Fulfillment
• Flow and Radiation
• Creative Energy
• God-Self
• Christ Within
• Substance
• Divine Presence
• Inner Presence
• Feeling Nature
• Light of Truth

Meditation with these terms in mind, create new neural-circuits in the brain. This will result in changing our belief system (value system) about who we are, and what is our purpose. In my quest to personally connect science and spirituality, I have come to the conclusion that most humans never come close to tapping the resources we possess within – not intellectually, not spiritually. We fail to recognize the connection we have with the energy and vibrations that we expel to and receive from the universe. These forces are always present.

The energy we put forth…

Most of us identify with the statement, “we reap what we sow,” however, quantum science addresses this as the unseen physics of vibrations. The conclusion made is that we become what we think we are, whether it be failure or success. This applies directly to prosperity and abundance. The vibrations (energy) we put out are exactly what we receive.

The pathways in our brain…

Our thoughts electrically and chemically create pathways in our brains: repeated thoughts will repeat self-enhancing or self-destructive behaviors.

Here is why…

1. We have unlimited brain potential, meaning we can’t possibly use all the storage capacity and brain function available to us in our lifetime. Although, as humans, we love familiar, we are never stuck with familiar. We always have the capacity to change our thoughts and belief systems and, hence, our behaviors.

2. We have approximately 100 billion neurons, each with as many as 100,000 possible synaptic connections available to create new neural-circuits. The possible synaptic connections are far more important than the number of neurons in the brain.

3. Our brains have the capability to process 400 billion bits of information per second. In normal daily life, we are only using 2,000 bits per seconds.

In daily life we are aware of three things:

• How we feel
• Our surroundings
• Time

In order to tap into the 400 billion bits per second of mostly unused brain potential, we must take these three things of out of the equation, meaning we must disengage from:

• How we feel
• Our surroundings
• Time

What does this sound like?

Meditation, as in the focused daily mediations I experienced with the 40-day Prosperity Plan. By eliminating thoughts and disassociating with time and space – we immediately open direct communication with God. We receive unsolicited solutions and answers to life’s challenges and, more importantly, we become completely authentic.

Life becomes real…

Meditation creates new, self-enhancing neural pathways in the brain. Meditation allows the brain to heal and to self-regulate the electrical and chemical responses to the inputs we give it. These inputs can be substances or simple thoughts. Meditation is essential to recovery from addictions, obsessive negative thinking or trauma. I have noticed a profound shift in my awareness of the presence of God within me. I am now at peace with money, and I am aware of my knowledge and understanding of abundance.

My favorite principle…

Principle number five states: “Money is not my supply. No person, place or condition is my supply. My awareness, understanding and knowledge of the all-providing activity of the Divine Mind within me is my supply. My consciousness of the Truth is unlimited, therefore, my supply is unlimited.”

My fiancée, Lori, also participated in the 40-day journal. Her interpretations of specific principles are quite different than mine. We were impressed with each other’s perceptions of specific principles. I believe this type of focused meditation provides a person with exactly what they need, at the specific point in time of the experience.

Here are some of the highlights of the journal I have been keeping on my 40-Day Prosperity Plan. I meditated and journaled about each principle four times, and my interpretation of each principle changed each time I meditated on it. Each time I repeated a principle, it seemed as though it was the first time I had addressed it.

• “It is NOT about money! Nor is it about people, places or conditions.
• “It is about me personally letting go and letting God.”
• “It is about awareness, understanding and knowledge.”
• “It is about my consciousness of Truth.”
• “It is about my need for repetition in order for me to internalize new belief structures.”
• “The word abundance used to bother me. Now, abundance has taken new meaning. God is lavish abundance. I am conscious of my God-self and the feeling nature of my Spirit. My Spirit is my Source and the Presence of God within me is my supply. I release my fear of lack.”

We are all on our own spiritual journey. Each of us possesses our own perception of God, a Divine Intelligence or a Higher Power. Our individual beliefs and perceptions are based on our distinctive DNA and unique life experiences. Therefore, I must live in acceptance and tolerance of what others believe. I need to constantly assess my personal beliefs to ensure that the influences of the outside world have not corrupted the activity of the Divine Mind that houses the Spirit of my Higher Power, which I choose to call God.

Translation: I’m stalking my next hostage…he likes newcomer women less than half his age…he uses his son as bait…if he can take care of that kid, he’ll take care of me.

“I want intimacy…only in small doses. I want her to let me know that she desires me; I don’t like to do the chasing. I am very honest with everyone I date that they are not the only one. “

Translation: I am not willing to risk rejection because I haven’t dealt with my pain, so I keep my dating card full of options and maintain superficial levels of contact so I won’t get hurt. Keeping my options open allows me not to call it cheating.

“I go to the club and pick up a different guy every time. We go hook up and then I tell him I’m not into getting together again. I give a fake phone number or don’t answer if he texts me again. I love knowing I can have lots of different sexual experiences without being tied down. Who cares anyway – I have HIV.”

Translation: No one would want me since I’m damaged, and sex is the way I can measure my worth.

“I went out on the first date and we really connected. He was so open and willing to share. We ended up going back to my place and talking and then it was too late for him to go home and we ended up hooking up.”

Translation: I love the fantasy of falling in love and can’t stand being alone, so I will say and do whatever is necessary to feel like someone is there for me.

Are these extravagant examples? I think not. They are only slightly altered to protect the privacy of the individuals who made these claims. Dating is challenging for anyone, but especially so for people in recovery. We all know that relationship difficulties are a huge factor in contributing to relapse, so developing healthy dating skills is a crucial task in long-term sobriety. One of the problems is that many of us don’t know the difference between dating and having a relationship. When I work with people on dating plans, it is often difficult for them to grasp that success is not necessarily defined by ending up with a committed relationship. In fact, one of the first tasks in developing a dating plan is to know why you want to date. It may be another way of being social, it may be to practice healthy communication skills and it may be to find a partner. I like to remind my clients that the primary purpose of the first date is simply to decide if you want a second date with that person.

What is the upside to dating in recovery?

There are many upsides to dating in recovery, including the idea that you already have a support system to help you cope with the experience. Because we are in recovery, we have already learned the value of asking for help and guidance, so it isn’t a stretch to check in with your sponsor or friends about how things are going. If you are working hard at your program, you should be starting to feel a sense of competence about yourself and that can enter into your dating life. When you date in a healthy way, you learn to be accountable by showing up on time, calling when you said you would and following up in other ways. Staying in the now is another skill that we learn in recovery that can be applied to dating. There is no need to get ahead of ourselves and rush things. On the other hand, we don’t want to be avoidant about dating and following up on meeting people. Sobriety can be difficult and if you are dating, you are probably far enough along in recovery that you have experienced some difficult times and found your way through them. This resilience will help you navigate the ups and downs of dating.

Besides the importance of your being sober, I want to reiterate the most important factor in the upside of dating in recovery: You have a team. You don’t have to do this alone or hidden in secrecy. The team includes your sponsor, your sober buddies, your therapist, your therapy group and, most importantly, your Higher Power. If you work at letting your Higher Power guide your thinking in the dating process, you have an excellent chance of meeting your goals.

So take a breath and if you dare, check in with your team and see how they think you’re doing with the dating thing. Again, remember, we are not talking about relationships, we are talking about dating. Let them give you feedback about patterns, choice in partners and how you’re spending your time both in setting up dates and the actual experiences themselves.

The challenge of dating in recovery

When I think of addiction, I think it’s about using unhealthy behaviors to avoid uncomfortable feelings. The problem with being addicts is that we don’t have a lot of experience dealing with difficult emotions. When we start to date, it is likely that some challenges will arise. I believe in a LOT of preparation before the recovering person enters the dating world. One of the biggest components of that preparation is learning about our attachment style. I am referring to the unconscious patterns of relating that we developed from our very early childhoods. Often these patterns are set in place before we even learn how to speak, so it can be a body sensation as much as a conscious communication style. Some people have secure attachment, some have anxious attachment and some have avoidant styles. Most of us have a combination that changes depending on the context of the situation. If you complete a thorough fourth step, you’ll begin to get clues to these patterns. Of course, if you are in therapy, you can discuss your attachment style with your therapist.

Another challenging area for people in recovery is trauma history. Something is traumatic when you become very upset about an event. It is much more related to your emotional response than the event itself. For example, for some folks an earthquake is an opportunity to rise to the occasion and be of service. For others, it creates a sense of panic and distress. You can see from this example that trauma is not so much event-related as it is emotion-related. Because many of us in recovery come from alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes, we may have survived multiple traumas. Completing a thorough trauma history is a good exercise in preparing to date, since you will then be aware of potential triggering situations that you may unwittingly encounter.

This leads to another big area for people in recovery and that is shame. Shame is a sense that there is something wrong with us. Even among friends when we are just joking around before or after a meeting, there can be a lot of the one-up/one-down game. When we start to date, the environment is rife with the potential to feel either better than or less than our partner. One of the simplest ways to practice humility, the antidote for shame, is to go through the day and work on staying equal with everyone you encounter. This can be especially helpful when you date – he or she is just another human being doing the best they can.

As recovering people, we may be a bit socially awkward. We are used to lubricating or otherwise chemically altering social encounters. We are not used to doing things without a filter and may feel shy or anxious. Using the third or eleventh step can really help calm us down. Again, the benefit of having a fellowship is that it’s a great tool when beginning to date, because you can begin with group dates among friends. Another great tool is bookending the date by checking in with a sober buddy or sponsor both before you go and when you get home to debrief the experience and reduce shame or anxiety or share your excitement.

One more area that can be an upside or a downside to dating in recovery is that many of us have secrets or history that we don’t normally share. If you are dating another sober person, it is nice to know that you probably both have done things in the past that you’re not proud to discuss. If you date a “normie,” you may be wondering when to disclose information such as the fact that you don’t drink or do drugs, that you have a legal history or were hospitalized. My biggest advice in this department is to slow down. Pace is very important in dating and comes up in many ways. I am a big believer in getting to know someone before sharing a lot of personal information. You don’t have to state that you are an alcoholic or addict when the question of wine with dinner comes up. Keep it simple and stay in the now by saying that you don’t feel like it tonight. If you find yourself saying that you don’t drink, you don’t have to go into your drunkalogue. You can say that you decided to stop because of health reasons. If you choose to keep seeing the person, there will be time for details later. If it is an issue for which you will be rejected, it’s better to notice their reaction to drinking or drug use and decide for yourself if this is someone you want to be more vulnerable with by telling your story in the future.

Three Phases

There is a lot more to talk about when considering dating in recovery. I think about it in three major phases. The first is preparing to date by developing a dating plan based on the quality and depth of your recovery, what your dating goals are your attachment style and trauma history and getting input from your team.

The second phase is the experience of dating itself, using your plan, remembering that the purpose of the first date is to see if you want a second one and working on healthy courtship and sexuality. This is the topic of a much longer article!

The third phase includes assessment. In this phase you will decide how you are doing with your goals. There are three basic choices that you make in this phase. The first is that you may decide to take a break from dating for awhile. The second possibility is that you may decide to change your dating plan and see how those changes affect your experience. The third decision is to move into exploring more of a relationship.

Whatever choice you make, I hope that you will implement the wonderful tools of recovery. Consult your team at every phase and really listen to their input. Take time for self reflection, particularly about the important aspects of your life, such as attachment style and trauma history. Remember that the principle behind the first step is honesty and that begins with yourself and extends to your communication with others. Our integrity is part of the attraction of our recovery. Finally, take your time. Allow yourself the space to review your interactions and how your Higher Power is guiding what you do….oh, and have fun!

In this family, children tend to fit in or not fit in according to their ability to meet other people’s needs. These kids often experience their parent’s needs as more immediate and important than their own. And to further complicate this dynamic, children of addiction COAs may experience relief and satisfaction by meeting another person’s needs, while remaining somewhat unaware of their own. Their own inner worlds can feel somewhat hazy and confusing to them, while the worlds of others seem clear and distinct.

Why Living with Addiction Feels Like Living with Narcissism

The narcissist tends to view other people not necessarily as individuals in their own right, but as extensions of him or herself. A narcissist often prefers to have people around him who behave in such a way as to meet and gratify his own needs or to enhance his own vision of himself. If they act separate, have too many of their own points of view or their own opinions, they threaten the narcissist’s equilibrium.

How does this mirror addiction? The addict is ever absorbed with getting his or her next fix; that’s how they maintain their equilibrium, albeit very dysfunctionally. Their needs come first.

The narcissist also tends to be absorbed in him or herself and in meeting the next need, rather unaware and even uncaring of the needs of those around them.
Same with the addict, the needs of those around him or her have to come second to meeting his or her own, often overpowering desire for the next “fix”, whether it be a drink, drug, food or sexual encounter. Both the narcissist and the addict are first and foremost self-absorbed: they come first.

Addiction creates a kind of narcissism. It is constantly preoccupying; it takes over a person body, mind and soul. For those who live with an addict, love them and depend on them to be at the other end of a relationship, life can be discouraging. It’s a lot like living with a narcissist because no matter what you do or how hard you try, you will always come second; second to the addict’s pressing needs, second to their constant preoccupations, second to the disease.

Freud said that we become jealous of the narcissist; they seem to be so pleasantly oblivious to the feelings of accountability to others that the rest of us are plagued by. “Wouldn’t it be nice”, we think, “to be free of this burden of awareness of the needs and feelings of others and simply ask ourselves one question. What do I want?” But if you could drill a hole into the inner world of the narcissist or the addict and peek inside, you might be startled at the emptiness and loneliness you’d find. Because ultimately, being oblivious to the cares and needs of others leaves them feeling like strangers in their own relational worlds. Whatever they are doing to meet their needs isn’t working all that well for the long run.

How In Recovery, We Sometimes Misinterpret the Concept of Self Care

Recovery and pop psychology are famous for telling people to “take care of themselves”. I see a lot of people in the addictions field confused at just what this means because the models they have seen “taking care of themselves” have been unhealthy ones. ACOAs don’t necessarily learn the difference between healthy self care – the kind that recognizes that you won’t be any good to anyone, including yourself, if you let yourself fall apart – and the selfish, narcissistic models they have grown up with. They confuse healthy self care with the selfish variety that discounts others.

Frustrated and disheartened from years of feeling unseen and unheard, they grab onto the concept of self care and use it to justify gratifying their own needs in the same selfish way that they have seen others do, and then wonder at why they feel so lonely. And their self care can be so mixed up with feelings of fear, guilt and pain that they really can’t figure out how to take care of themselves and still be well-related and aware of the needs of others.

One of the important needs for any person is to learn how to be well related to others. Humans are tribal at heart – pack animals, if you will. We are always in relationship to someone; it’s part of who we are and how we got here in the first place. Learning what to let matter and what to let go of, and how to hang onto our own sense of self while in the presence of others is one of our most important developmental tasks. This is challenging in the most perfect of circumstances, but for those who grow up with addicted or narcissistic parents who aren’t good at fostering self esteem in others, developing a secure sense of self can be challenging.

Additionally, as we gather with relatives who may be part of the pain we’re remembering, we may feel an inner conflict. Part of us yearns for the closeness and connection this time of year naturally engenders, while another part fears what might come along with it. Will there be tricky undercurrents? Will family issues explode into the middle of the holiday scene and make it feel unmanageable and scary?

We may also be stepping into a world where no one understands or even wishes to know about recovery, or who may even see it as a threat. All of this can make maintaining our emotional sobriety feel challenging; we can feel pulled between worlds both on the inside and the outside.

Some Tips for Maintaining Emotional Equilibrium:

• Stay in the moment: Breathe when you feel yourself becoming preoccupied with the future or the past. Breathe, look around you, get centered in the present.
• Stay close to the program: This is no time to skip meetings.
• Act as if: Don’t get caught up in unnecessary, dark imaginings, move through your holiday events as if the strains that are present weren’t enough to send you through the roof.
• Be proactive: Create little rituals and gatherings of your own with friends.
• Manage stresses: Everything gets blown out of proportion when we’re stressed out, and holidays are naturally busier and more hectic than normal life.
• Shop ahead: This will lessen your feeling of burden and stress.
• Enjoy holiday food but don’t go crazy: Savor your favorite ritual treats, but don’t eat in a way you will regret later. More isn’t necessarily better.
• Limit your time at any events that concern you. Stay in a hotel; take a friend; check out meetings in that area.
• Get enough rest, sleep and down time. Slightly step up your self-care, rather than putting it last on your list. Keep exercising – it’s calming.
• Don’t make the holidays a time to “deal” with old family issues: Don’t turn your family gatherings into therapy sessions. Holidays are generally not a good time for “getting into it”.
• Keep expectations realistic; keep it simple.
• Enjoy the little things this season: The holiday season is filled with quiet moments of pleasure, such as street music and decoration, good smells and warm wishes. Enjoy them within yourself.
• Enjoy who and what you have: There is always someone at a family gathering who you’re glad to see. Go where it’s warm.
• Be open to healing: Sometimes just gathering and affirming the bonds of life and love can bring up pain that needs to be felt and healed. If that comes up, just let it be. Let yourself feel and release it.

Remember that this is just another day on your spiritual journey. The holidays needn’t be overrated nor underrated. Move through them and let them move through you.

Tian Dayton, Ph.D. is the author of Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance.

Foreclosing on Our Inner World

Many of our psychological and emotional problems, if we think of it, come from running from what we don’t want to feel, rather than simply learning to sit with it. We fear feeling more than we can handle. We have an idea that we will not be able to bear feeling certain emotions, that we’ll fall apart. So we shut them down. We rationalize what we’re feeling to make it more palatable, or we flat-out deny what’s going inside or outside of us, rewriting reality to suit our capacity to live with it. Painful emotions can make us feel vulnerable and insecure; that our lives aren’t working the way they’re supposed to. But when we run from what we feel, it makes what we feel bigger, not smaller. Denied feelings don’t go away, they grow, like yeast in a dark corner.

Am I the Only One Who Feels Like I Can’t Survive My Own Emotions?

Nature wired us to depend upon parents and the clan for our very survival. Banishment from the clan meant death. So we do whatever we can to stay connected, including rationalizing our emotional responses to people we’re close to in order to allow us to remain in relationship with them. Or to reinterpret the past or create fantasies about the future that allow us to feel OK about ourselves. That feeling of possible rupture is threatening to us at our core because rupture feels against nature’s primary intent. We are, in other words, wired to want to live in connection. We really do feel we will die of a broken heart because love, like fear, is a necessary emotion for survival. Without it we wouldn’t pair-bond or attach to children or parents. Without fear, we wouldn’t avoid danger. We would not, in fact, survive.

But with practice, our thinking brain can help us to experience, process and understand our emotions rather than distance them. We can reflect upon and understand our feelings rather than diminish or disown them. We can use our thinking to understand ourselves, our worlds and our relationships. Developing emotional balance and sobriety requires that we learn to sit with the powerful emotions and physical urges that get triggered inside of us without blowing up, shutting down, acting out or self-medicating.

But What Happens When I Get Triggered?

When we’re scared, we send the same fear signals to our limbic brain, whether we’re walking in front of a car, staring into the jaws of a lion or listening to the parents we depend on scream at each other. Later as adults, scenes that are reminiscent to those that frightened us in the past — say fighting with our spouse or boss — can trigger us into a child state of fear and helplessness. Our limbic or emotional system goes into fight/flight/freeze and we’re cocked and ready to react. Or under-react: we freeze, become inarticulate and unable to think of anything to say, because our mind just isn’t working properly. In order to bring our emotions back into balance at those moments, we need to understand that our limbic brain/body is getting triggered, throwing our emotional state out of balance. And our cortex, where we order and make sense and meaning out of our emotions and sense impressions, is temporarily on tilt.

Counting to 10, taking a deep breath or a short break may give us the time we need to allow our limbic system to settle down enough to bring our thinking back on board. It’s when we’re feeling intensely that we’re most at risk for becoming unbalanced and losing it. Our feelings run ahead of us and our thinking can’t catch up. At these moments, talking doesn’t do us much good; our limbic reactions are just too big. But if we can become aware of this phenomenon and of what triggers us in particular, we can learn to ride out the limbic storm, so to speak, and make better choices and decisions once we’re in a calmer state and have had a chance to reflect a bit. Or we can teach ourselves not to get so riled up in the first place. We can slowly reeducate our limbic systems to have a calmer set point. Through regular activities and exercise, soothing hobbies, rest and learning to sit with powerful feelings and expand our ability to tolerate and translate them into words, we can take better charge of our psychological and emotional selves.

For more information on this subject, log onto tiandayton.com or read Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance.

Unfortunately, some people misinterpret this slogan to mean they should forget about the past, and hope the future will take care of itself if they just stay in the present. They refuse to take action; instead they remain on autopilot and just get by. They don’t confront their problems in a proactive way, nor create healthy solutions to address them. They don’t create contingency plans, so when problems demand their attention, they slide into panic mode because they don’t have a plan in place and tend to react, instead of respond. They justify the results by claiming they were just following the “One Day at a Time” slogan.

When someone is living with chronic pain, this slogan could be a blessing or a curse depending on how it is interpreted. My goal is to help people use this slogan to improve their quality of life. However, they also need to realize that using it to deny their problems can sabotage their chronic pain management, resulting in unnecessary pain flare-ups or other problems.
Patients I’ve worked with who have chronic pain often become so hopeless and helpless that they mistakenly believe that they are always going to suffer—they think that the pain they are in today will always be this way, and they lose hope. Because they are not getting the pain relief they want, they convince themselves that life is completely horrible, and that they deserve to do whatever it takes to feel better. Sometimes that “whatever it takes” leads them to abusing their pain medication.

Another misuse of the “One Day at a Time” slogan is when people stop doing what got them feeling better. They forget all the previous work they did to put a good chronic pain management plan in place. For example, they stop exercising, meditating daily, eating well, monitoring their thinking, managing their emotions or using any of the other non-pharmacological interventions they learned. They put themselves at risk for pain flare-ups and the possibility of their condition worsening.

For those in recovery from an addictive disorder who also suffer with chronic pain, staying stuck in the moment could lead to a potential relapse. That is why I work with people undergoing chronic pain management to understand the true meaning of living life one day at a time for a better quality of life.

One of the principles I help people with is a concept called time line competency. This means not getting stuck in the past, present or future. First, I teach them how find a peace-centered place within themselves, which brings their stress (and often distress) down to a manageable level. This is where I explain to patients that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it—they keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Also, they feel consumed by shame and guilt as the result of past trauma and it destroys their ability to be in a peaceful present.

The past is the first area of focus. My goal is to help patients look at their history from a safe distance in order to see what they can learn from it. I support them to discover what they have done well—what their strengths are. Next we look for the self-defeating patterns of thinking and behaving that caused negative consequences. One of the tools I use to facilitate this learning process is called situation mapping.

Below are the situation mapping directions developed by me and Terence T. Gorski as part of the Addiction-Free Pain Management® Relapse Prevention Counseling High Risk Situation Management process.

A situation map is a description of exactly what you do and how other people react to what you do that makes you want to use medication or alcohol and other drugs in spite of your commitment not to use.

A good situation map describes exactly what you and other people do in a way that lets you clearly see it happening in your mind. When developing a situation map, it is helpful to go visual and see the situation in your own mind as if were the scene of a movie.

Try to see exactly what you or other people are saying and doing in the situation. It is important to put everything that happened into the correct order or sequence. You can do this by thinking about the beginning of the situation and then thinking about the next thing that happened until you reach the end of the situation.

Once you map out the situation, it is easy to look for gaps in the action by asking yourself: “Where in the action sequence is something missing?” Try to notice where you jump from one thing to the next without a logical transition step and then try to fill in the missing step.

Here are some guidelines that will help you to develop situation maps that will give you the most help in learning to manage high-risk situations:

Think of a specific time in the past when you experienced a high-risk situation that was similar to this and managed it in a way that caused you to use ineffective pain management or misuse pain medication, including alcohol or other drugs. Describe that situation as if it were a story with a beginning, middle and an ending. Start with the phrase: “The high-risk situation started when …” Continue to build the story step by step by asking, “What is the next thing that happened?” Keep asking that question until you get to the end of the story. You can end the Story with final statement that starts with the words, “What finally happened was …”

Once the map has been developed and explored, I encourage patients to bring that new understanding into the present so they can explore how to improve their future. Here we continue to use the situation mapping tool, but this time to map a high-risk situation in the future. Below are the future high-risk situation mapping directions.

Since this situation has not occurred, you will use a technique called mental rehearsal to test out different things you could do to manage the situation. When you use mental rehearsal, you think about or imagine what the situation will probably be like and then you think about or imagine different ways of handling the situation in your mind. First, you map out the situation using your old self-defeating ways of handling the situation that caused you to use ineffective pain management or to misuse pain medication, including alcohol or other drugs. Describe that situation as if it were a story with a beginning, middle and an ending. Doing this will help you to see exactly what you thought and did that caused you to mismanage the situation.

Once we have the maps built, we then analyze the high-risk situation by exploring the person’s TFUAR process—Thinking, Feeling, Urges, Actions, and (social) Reactions—that caused pain and problems. Then we move from the problem to the solution by helping them look at a new way of thinking; better ways of managing uncomfortable feelings; ways to manage urges or cravings; new, healthy recovery-prone actions or behaviors; and finding people to help move them out of the problem and into the solution. This new way provides healthy reactions, or positive chronic pain management outcomes, instead of disaster and suffering.

Despite everything we do, some people will continue to stay stuck in the present. They refuse to either look at the past, or plan for the future and then use the slogan “One Day at a Time” to justify their self-defeating mindset. It happens to all of us—we are human—but having a support who can give us honest feedback will allow us to acknowledge the problem and then act upon it in a recovery-oriented way. Our patients can learn to do this, and we must be there to help.

People choose coaching to help them address a myriad of personal and professional issues, such as overwhelm, stress, challenging relationships, lack of focus, procrastination, and overall life balance. Together we often discover that underlying these presenting issues is a deep desire for authenticity: “I just want to be myself.” And …“If I were myself, I would feel free, purposeful, and happy.”

Coaching can then become a wonderful kind of excavation. Using a process called DreamShifting, we dig down though layers of unconscious beliefs, habits, and patterned thoughts, to bedrock – one’s authentic self. Along the way we explore how negative reactions may be eroding relationship with self and others. There are exquisite moments when the client shifts perception and clearly sees the truth of who they are. A key to this shift is pausing. If we don’t pause, we can easily fall back into unconsciousness. When we do pause, we open into a space of possibility and create the opportunity to choose something new.

In our busy lives how do we cultivate the ability to pause? Though practice. Here is a simple meditation exercise I’ve learned that I share with my clients:

Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Begin to focus on your breathing. Notice, without judgment, the length of your inhalation and the length of your exhalation.  Sense the breath coming in through your nose and mouth, and imagine it filling every cell in your body with new life and new possibility. Sense the breath moving out and taking with it everything that is past and no longer needed. Now, pay special attention to the end of each exhalation. Notice the moment when the breath pauses, just before the next inhalation occurs.  Feel into that gap. Let the breath dissolve into space. Can you allow yourself to surrender into the unknowable – the ocean of possibility?

Next time you’re in a stressful moment, and feel compelled to react in a familiar and habitual way, bring your awareness to the pause at the end of your exhalation. Ask yourself, “What might happen if I let go of everything I know into this space? Now what do I choose?”

Life’s way too short.  Yet, many of us live our lives on automatic pilot without considering what makes life worth living.   The purpose of this article is to offer a fresh perspective on the recovery process by introducing Recovery Coaching.  Powerful, thought-provoking questions, both existential and spiritual, are an integral part of the coaching relationship and these conversations add a new dimension to the quality work already going on in the recovery community.

Currently, there’s confusion over the differences between coaching and therapy.  Although coaching borrows from the world of psychotherapy, there are some specific distinctions.  As a credentialed coach and licensed psychotherapist, I keep my two practices completely separate for legal and ethical reasons. I come from a psychodynamic background as a therapist—exploring the influence of childhood on clients today. The following chart outlines the contrast between coaching and this particular school of therapy.

The International Coach Federation (ICF) is a nonprofit organization formed by professional coaches worldwide and has over 12,000 members in 42 countries.  The ICF defines coaching as follows:  Coaching is partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.  Coaching is an ongoing relationship which focuses on clients taking action toward the realization of their vision, goals or desires.  Coaching uses a process of inquiry and personal discovery to build the client’s level of awareness and responsibility and provides the client with structure, support and feedback.  The coaching process helps clients both define and achieve professional and personal goals with more ease than would be possible otherwise.

According to a recent ICF survey, the average coach is 46-55 years old with 5-10 years coaching experience, and 53% of coaches have a graduate degree.  Coaching clients tend to be 56% female and 44% male with an average age between 38-45 years old.

Twenty-five years ago executive coaches were being utilized more and more in the corporate world, and in the 90’s life coaching rapidly emerged. Now in the 21st century Recovery Coaching has entered the scene.  In 2005 I co-founded Recovery Coaches International (RCI) to bring together a community of coaches working in the recovery field, and in 2006 a certified Recovery Coach training program was established by RCI’s other co-founder.

Just as every therapist is different, every Recovery Coach is different.  For instance, I choose to work with clients who are clean and sober, and other coaches may work with those who are trying to get sober.  At this time screening tools are being developed to help potential clients determine if they’re good candidates to benefit from coaching.  The ICF suggests that to be successfully coached clients must be able to partner with a coach and to develop specific goals. I’ve found that 3-6 months of sobriety seems to be the basic foundation necessary for a client to benefit from coaching within my model.  A solid foundation in recovery tends to make room for more clarity of purpose and expansiveness.

Recovery Coaching helps clients:

• Clarify a vision for the next chapter of their life.
• Define specific goals and action steps to support this vision.
• Stay accountable toward these intentions.

As a result, purpose, passion and priorities unfold.  If your goals and action steps are in alignment with your values, priorities and purpose, you’ll feel hopeful and energized.  If not, you’ll tend to feel flat and stuck.

“What gives your life meaning?” can be a daunting question, but the coaching process encourages clients to examine big ticket items such as joy, purpose and balance.  Questions such as “What do you really, really want?” shapes the course of the coaching process.  It’s interesting to note that the Positive Psychology community supports the efforts of coaching through its research of topics such as gratitude, forgiveness and resiliency. Dr. Martin Seligman who coined the term Positive Psychology describes it as the science of What Makes Life Worth Living.

Once you choose to live an addiction-free life, a blank canvas appears where you get to design your future paths. With the guidance of coaches, sponsors, therapists and trusted confidants, you clear away the cobwebs of the past, become more aware of the essence of who you are and move forward with purpose and direction in this next chapter of your life and recovery.

The following tools will give you a flavor of Recovery Coaching:

1.  Take a Joy Inventory
How many of us stop to look at what’s going right in our lives?  A joy inventory is a chance to recall what has brought you joy in the past, what brings you joy currently and how you would like to invite more joy and fun into your future.

Write down all the joys of the past and present.  After brainstorming the past, make a list of all the fun, joyful, fulfilling people, places and experiences you would like to invite into your life from now on.

Note:  Because many people in recovery forget how to have sober fun, this exercise challenges you to create more balance in your life.

2.  Get Clear and Take Purposeful Action
Now that you’ve written down what brings you joy, take one item from your list and be even more specific.  For example, a client of mine wanted to spend more time at the beach because she felt lighter and more playful by the water. After brainstorming ways of creating more quality time at the beach, she decided that she wanted to spend time at the beach weekly with a friend.  Throwing a Frisbee, walking her dog, putting her feet in the water were all listed as possible activities and she decided she wanted to set up “playdates” for herself with a friend each week.

Note: You may consider bookending your intention.  For example, let someone you trust know about your intention for weekly beach time.  Go ahead and take that action and let this same accountability person know when you’ve completed it.  Bookending is a tool of accountability.

3.  Create your Vision
What do you really want in this next chapter of your life and your recovery?  Let go of any of the shoulds or supposed to’s, and take time now to write about what you want in the following areas: friends, family, career, money, spirituality, health, fun, love and romance. Don’t hold back even if you think it’s not possible now.  Give shape and voice to your vision of life 1 year from now. (If 1 year feels too long, shorten the timeline to 90 days.)

Note: It’s not that anything has to happen—it’s simply what could happen.

Coaching asks you to stretch beyond your comfort zone while keeping your feet firmly on the ground.  Deepak Chopra in his book Overcoming Addictions, reminds us that “the absence of joy is the cause and the effect of addictions,” and coaching encourages you to invite joy into your sobriety.  With joy comes purpose, and as you open your heart to purposeful recovery, you’ll find more meaning, intention and direction in everything you think or say or do.

PEER REVIEWERS WANTED:

The Editorial Board of Recovery View is seeking qualified professionals to serve as peer reviewers.  Typically, peer reviewers are voluntary and independent of business, professional, or personal constraints that would present an ethical conflict.

Recovery View seeks those professionals with a terminal degree (PhD or PsyD) or an MD with a minimum of one peer reviewed publication and who have a specialized area of study within the field of alcoholism and addiction to conduct peer reviews. A doctoral dissertation that included original research and design will be considered as a peer reviewed publication.

Masters-level professionals with an emerging (4 or more published articles) or an extensive list of peer reviewed publications in professional journals within an area of specialization are strongly encouraged and will be considered as peer reviewers.

Please email CVs and resumes that include contact information, degrees, area of specialty, and verifiable list of publications to admin@recoveryview.com.