Which characteristics do you identify with and to what extent? This is something of a self-test and a survey. If you are an Adult Child of Alcoholism or Addiction (ACOA), you may have been both traumatized and strengthened by that experience. Following is a survey of both the positive and the pathological characteristics that can be the result of growing up in a family where there is trauma. Each list is culled from the research in each area that has spanned the past two decades. Can you please take a moment to fill it out, and we will get back to you with the results of the data once it’s crunched? Thank you for your time!

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/WWTNTML

By Dr. Jack Hinman

Divorce, even under the most amicable of circumstances, represents a trauma for the family system, impacting not only the couple, but all members of the family. Many parents in therapy quite aptly describe their experience of divorce as a kind of death. It is a loss of shared dreams and goals as well as a loss of the third “person” in your partnership that was the partnership itself. It’s a safe bet that most of us do not get married with any intention of divorce; as such, and because of the traumatic impact of divorce on all family members, there is likely no such thing as an easy divorce. But couples can aspire to a good divorce by managing the process and its outcomes consciously and compassionately. The following tips for managing divorce can help mitigate the trauma that you and your children experience. As you pursue a good divorce, it might be helpful to remember that:

The vast majority of children with divorced parents and/or stepfamilies develop into competent individuals well within the normal range on all measures of adjustment (Kelly, 2007).

Family Events

As a divorcing parent, it’s important to think through the reality that — especially when children are involved — a divorce changes, but doesn’t end, your relationship with your heretofore spouse. How will you, as divorced parents, manage future weddings, graduations and holidays with your children?

As you think through the implications of a changed relationship, it is important to find ways to foster hope for a positive parenting experience. If you have been divorced for some time, remember that it is never too late to improve your relationship with your ex-spouse and create a good divorce (Ahrons, 2006). It is vital for both parents to look at potential power struggles with their former spouse and the potential this creates for painful loyalty conflicts in your children.

This kind of rational forethought and planning is incredibly difficult to achieve in the throes of a painful divorce. It is, therefore, most important to create a supportive network of friends and family, as well as to engage the services of a therapist who can give you objective, third-party advice and support.

Divorced Fathers

Research reveals that divorce has more of a tendency to negatively impact the fathers’ relationships with his children than the mothers’. Fathers who pursue role models for positive post-divorce parenting, along with parent coaching have been shown to have more positive relationships with their children than those who do not engage these opportunities (Ahrons, 2006). Fathers do well to pursue parenting support in the form of therapy, groups, parenting programs and friendships with other single or divorced fathers whom they respect.

Divorced Mothers

It has been shown that divorce has less of an impact on the relationship between mothers and their children. It is, however, important for a divorced mother to know that the quality of her relationships with her children is profoundly impacted by the quality of her relationship with her children’s father. Mother’s better serve their children and improve their own parenting relationships when they honor their children’s need for a continued relationship with their father (Ahrons, 2006).

Generally speaking, the better your child’s relationship with your former spouse, the better your parenting relationships, and your children, will be.

Parental Conflict

Continued parental sparring not only impacts your relationship with your children, but it also negatively impacts your children’s relationships with extended family and family friends. Children often feel the need to choose sides in an attempt to create or maintain consistency and predictability in their environment. Good divorces are those in which the children can comfortably maintain relationships with both parents and their extended kin networks (Ahrons, 2006). It has been theorized that conflict among divorced parents threatens a child’s emotional security by causing them to worry that their parents will no longer care for them (Fabricius & Luecken, 2007). We are becoming more aware that conflict between former spouses has a significant impact on the long-term health of their children. The lack of emotional security that this causes has been shown to create dysregulation in the child’s physiological stress response, promoting pathology in the brain and body (McEwen & Wingfield, 2003).

Frequently, conflict among divorced parents stems from difficulty letting go of old resentments. Ex-spouses sometimes resist letting go of anger, pain or hurt for fear of invalidating their own pain and allowing their ex-spouse off the hook for the pain they have caused. Revenge is sometimes used to produce the feeling of mastery that comes from moving from a passive to an active position, thus enhancing self-esteem (Bernstein, 2007). In addition, research has shown that maintaining anger toward the other parent can be a strategy to ward off depression and grief. These strategies are usually short-sighted, however, and can perpetuate dysfunction in the family system. It is vital to your child’s emotional and physical wellbeing, therefore, that parents resolve old resentments toward their ex-spouse.

When Parents Remarry

It is crucial that parents and children understand and engage the challenges that remarriages and family blending can create. Developing realistic expectations for these new relationships is critical (Ahrons, 2006). Divorced families and blended families are forced to rethink and re-conceptualize what a family is. It is often an idealized pre-divorce view of family that sets parents and children up for failure and unhealthy expectations.

Each family member has a separate and important opinion and perception of the divorce. It is vital to create space for every family member’s perception rather than projecting one’s own views onto the children. Often the child’s voice is smothered — especially during very difficult divorces. Allowing, hearing and validating your child’s experience can increase positive outcomes in coping with divorce.

Finally, it is important to empower children in divorce situations; children who see themselves as victims in a divorce situation can struggle more than those who do not. Language that promotes the notion that they are victims or damaged goods is best avoided, as should labels that anthologize divorce, such as ACOD (Adult Children of Divorce). This type of language can send a message to children that they are victims (Bernstein, 2007).

Remember, it is the parents’ behavior in response to divorce, rather than the divorce itself, that has the greatest and most long-term impact on children.

Sources:

• Ahrons (2006) Family Ties After Divorce: Long-Term Implications for Children Family Process Vol. 46, No. 1
• Bernstein, A (2006) Re-visioning, Restructuring, and Reconciliation: Clinical Practice With Complex Postdivorce Families Family Process Vol. 46, No. 1
• Fabricius & Luecken (2007) Postdivorce Living Arrangements, Parent Conflict, and Long-Term Physical Health Correlates for Children of Divorce Journal of Family Psychology Vol. 21, No. 2

An enraged mom pulls her son into my office. At her wits end with her 10-year-old’s acting-out behavior at school, she demanded to come into his private counseling session without notice. Across town, his dad had a different reaction — on his son’s weekend visit, while staying very calm, he put his misbehaving boy over his knee — and whacked him.*

Though parenting books and classes abound, parents are still at a loss for how to discipline their children. They tell me they have no patience to set up a clear behavioral program; for them it takes too much time and is ineffective. Sometimes they’re looking for a quick fix, other times the idea of a regulated system is too foreign to them. But parents are also missing something critical — they are forgetting their heart, forgetting that love is not just a noun, but also a verb. That means acting lovingly, with kindness and awareness.

My 25 years of working with families, plus my own personal meditation practice, have shown me the value of connecting to and coming from the heart, of stepping back — of time-outs for grown-ups as well as for children. Too often when parents “discipline” their child, it is done in a moment when their own buttons have been pushed. Whether it’s at home after a long and stressful day or in public when they’re horrified that their child’s misbehavior reflects on them, parents often react from their inner kid’s frustrated position. They forget that their behavior is the best role model for teaching good behavior.

I find myself helping parent and child heal the wounds that they have inflicted on each other. Not so much with their minds, but with their hearts. Bottom line: parents must calm themselves. Kids tell me screaming is a close second to hitting in what they fear most from parents. So I start by inviting parents to visualize the kind of family atmosphere they truly want, focusing on their heart’s desire — and the heart of their child. If they set their intention of having a loving, calm home, then they can take the steps to get there.

I teach families simple breathing techniques (a basic meditation style I call “the balloon breath”) to help center themselves and be able to respond, rather than react to a situation. The balloon breath is simply focusing your awareness and breathing two to three inches below your navel. Because it takes just minutes, balloon breathing is easily incorporated into a busy day.

To create an atmosphere of loving calmness, I suggest parents imagine a favorite place. It may be a coveted vacation location, a childhood memory or a place they create on the spot. While they are in this special place, I propose putting themselves in their child’s position by remembering what is was like to be a young boy or girl, and what they would have preferred their parents doing. Adults learn to be aware of how their behavior is affecting their children. They can then re-evaluate and develop a new set of personal parenting goals.

Another simple exercise that has helped many families connect to each other is “sending love on a beam of light.” Pose the question, “If you would like to send love to your child (parent) what color would it be?” Then, while doing the balloon breath, have them imagine sending love from their heart to the other on a beam of light. They can practice in your office and later at home and see who “feels” the love first. The idea is to make it fun like a game rather than a chore.

With a new intention and viewpoint, parents can create a heart-centered, loving behavioral program that meets everyone’s needs. Although that entails many traditional steps, from setting limits to focusing on the positive, the difference here is staying mindful and connected to their heart, with kindness and gentleness. And the mom who dragged her son into my office? By her own admission, after our exercises, she left a changed woman. She told her son, “I’m feeling totally different — I feel my anger is gone and only love remains. We can work this out.”

That’s the heart of discipline.

* To protect privacy, a composite is used.

How Growing Up with Abuse and Addiction Affects Development

Development in the young child is a continuous interaction between the child and his or her primary caretakers. The hardwiring of the child’s brain is set up through countless, tiny interactions. The manner in which the child is treated affects who the child becomes, and the ever-growing and changing child, in turn, affects the caretaker’s response. This synergy, according to Alan Schore, seminal researcher on affect regulation, creates a fluid rather than static picture of development. Imagine then how addiction and trauma affect each aspect of the child’s developing personality. Factors that influence a child’s response to a traumatizing family environment are 1) the child’s stage of development, 2) the child’s organic structure and 3) the available support network for the child.

Young children are particularly vulnerable to developmental deficits because their personalities are yet relatively unformed and their primary support network is the family, which, in the case of abuse and addiction, is causing them damage. They may be forced to contort their personalities in a variety of ways to maintain a sense of connection and some semblance of stability. They live in two worlds: sober and using. In addicted or abusive families, there is a front-stage that appears to the world and a backstage that often remains hidden; the rules, morals, thinking, feeling and behavior are often different for both.

At times, the family dysfunction may surface through a symptomatic child and, if this is the case, a target child or a “symptom carrier” may be created. This designation may affect the child’s personality, and his or her developing identity may wrap itself around a negative core. It is difficult for the underage child trapped in this system to get help if the adults do not do so first or at the same time. If the adults get help, the child’s symptoms may clear up. The older the child gets, the more embedded their personality issues become and the more these problems invade the overall organization of their identity.

The Effect of Trauma on Family Organization

A family that is containing trauma in the form of addiction or abuse produces relationship dynamics that perpetuate relationship trauma. One theory, according to Steven Krugman, describes the impact of trauma on the family system as having three main components. First is constriction leading to enmeshment; second is avoidance leading to disengagement; and third is impulsive behavior leading to chaos. Constriction of emotional and psychological expression can make the authentic expression of pain feel threatening. Family members learn not to talk about what’s going on right in front of them. They learn to hold on to painful emotion that could “rock the boat.” In avoidance, family members see the solution to keeping pain from their inner worlds from erupting as avoiding subjects, people, places and things that might trigger it. This leads to an emotional disengagement among family members. With impulsive behavior that leads to chaos, that inner world is surfacing in action. Painful feelings that are too hard to sit with explode into the container of the family and get acted out in dysfunctional ways that engender chaos.

Constriction, avoidance and impulsive behavior are dysfunctional attempts at dealing with pain. This family becomes fertile ground for producing trauma-related symptoms in its members. In addition, its strict taboos against genuine and authentic expression of the emotional pain and psychological angst that family abuse is engendering ensure that pain does not get talked about. Consequently, it does not get processed, worked through and put into any context that might allow family members to move through it. Rather, it sits within the family system, a buried land mine waiting to explode when it gets stepped on.

It is no wonder that families such as these produce a range of symptoms in its members that can lead to problems later in life. This is how the mantle of dysfunction gets passed down through the generations.

The following are some of the symptoms that may develop and be carried into adulthood:
•    Learned helplessness
•    Hypervigilance
•    Depression
•    Anxiety
•    Numbness/Emotional constriction
•    Traumatic bonds
•    Loss of ability to take in support
•    Cycles of re-enactment
•    Problems with self-regulation
•    Emotional triggering
•    Loss of trust and faith
•    Survival guilt
•    High-risk behaviors
•    Relationship Issues
•    Development of rigid psychological defenses
•    Desire to self-medicate (Dayton, 2000)

Treatment Implications

In my clinical work, I observe that PTSD symptoms in children who grew up with addiction and dysfunction can appear to lie dormant for many years. Often, clients arrive at my office in their mid-30s, quite discouraged and wondering why their relationships aren’t working or they cannot seem to organize themselves into a productive work life. The traumatic memories often get re-stimulated when clients again attempt to enter intimate relationships where the very attempt at deep connection brings up the trauma that previously surrounded it.
Trauma survivors may experience a sense of a foreshortened future, having trouble envisioning, and as a result taking steps toward, a future they wish to create. In children who grew up in traumatizing/addicted families this is particularly cruel because the trauma robs them not only of part of their childhood, but of significant pieces of their young adulthood as well. The energy they need to “get their lives together” has been partly spent and their youthful dreams and hopes have undergone disillusionment. It is sad that because of this loyalty bind and the developmental timing of the problem, there can be significant life complications during young adult years.

Traumatic Memory

Because of the way our brain stores them, traumatic memories do not get “thought about”, reflected upon and put into some sort of context. The defenses that are engaged during situations of threat are fight, flight and freeze, all of which are associated with the amygdala or the “old” part of the brain. The cortex, which is where thinking, reasoning and long-range planning take place, was developed later in human evolution. That’s why when we’re “scared stiff” or “struck dumb”, the content of the experience that would normally get thought through and placed into memory storage gets more or less flash-frozen instead. Because these memories are stored in the cells of the body (Pert, 1997) as well as the mind, these un-integrated memories may resurface in the form of somatic disturbances such as headaches, back problems and queasiness or as psychological and emotional symptoms such as flashbacks, anxiety, sudden outbursts of anger, rage or intrusive memories. The person experiencing this may find him or herself in an intense bind in which traumatic memory stimulates disturbing physiological sensations and disturbing body sensations stimulate traumatic memory. This can create a sort of black hole, an internal combustion that can send a client into an ever-intensifying downward spiral that becomes fraught with fear and anxiety. Clients may experience this as panic, feeling “stuck” in treatment, intense fear or being flooded with feelings and/or memories.

A Mind-Body Approach to Treatment

Traumatic memories are often somatized, repressed, disassociated or lost to consciousness through some form of defensive exclusion, according to Jonathon Bowlby, British psychoanalyst and researcher on attachment and loss. Because the cortex was not fully involved in the storage of traumatic memories, those experiences did not get thought about and put into a logical context and sequence. Consequently, they can be difficult to access through reflective talking alone. J. L. Moreno, the Viennese psychiatrist who created the method of psychodrama postulated that, “the body remembers what the mind forgets.” Willheim Reich felt that we store our “character defenses” in the tissues of our bodies, and Candie Pert’s pioneering research, described in Molecules of Emotion, on cellular memory supports this. Sigmund Freud understood that if we cannot “remember” we are destined to act out or repeat the unconscious content of traumatic experience. It is remembering that allows for a change of pattern. Without it we are blind to our inner world, but that inner world presses nonetheless for action and resolution. Through psychodramatic role-play, long-forgotten thinking, feeling and behavior that are attached to roles we’ve played emerge. Words are spoken, feelings are felt and thoughts become present and accessible in the here and now. After they are in their concrete form they can then be reflected upon, understood, deconstructed and meaning can be made out of them.

For information on the treatment model Relationship Trauma Repair RTR, log onto relationshiptraumarepair.com.

A movement was born. Not a political movement, but a movement based on a need to reveal and a desire to heal.

As these “inner children” began to open up, they found they weren’t alone in having frozen and forgotten parts of themselves that they didn’t know what to do with. These hidden parts, not surprisingly, were triggered when, as adults, they began having families of their own. Sitting in their own living rooms, with their own spouses and children, they felt disturbed by scenes from yesteryear. All over again, they found themselves smack in the middle of the very situation that had traumatized them to begin with. Namely, a family.
Why Is Having a Family like a Car Backfiring for the ACOA?

The natural feelings of intense closeness and dependency, that are a part of living in a family, can become potential triggers for the ACOA. In just the same way a soldier with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) “hits the dirt” when he hears a car backfire because his unconscious reads it as gunfire, an ACOA “hits the dirt” emotionally when he fears a repeated rupture to his sense of self or the family he needs and loves.

This is why the ACOA syndrome is a form of PTSD. Long after the stressor is removed, the ACOA lives as if it is still present. Long after they have left home, gotten jobs, married and had children, their unresolved pain from childhood still lives inside of them, waiting to be triggered to the surface through events that mirror the situations that hurt them to begin with. Like, for example, within their own family relationships. Beneath the level of their awareness, ACOAs get scared all over again. Their natural neediness makes them feel vulnerable; they wait for the proverbial roof to cave in the way that it did when they were kids; for life and love to hurt and betray them all over again. Ghosts from their past dance around their present. Unconsciously they see chaos, humiliating scenes and out-of-control behavior lurking just around the corner, mocking and mimicking their early childhood experience. In fact, they may be so convinced that distress is looming that they may actually feel distrustful and suspicious if problems are solved too smoothly. They may even push a situation in a sort of convoluted attempt at self protection, trying to ferret out potential danger until, through their relentless efforts to avoid it, they actually create it. And so the pattern of emotional closeness and dependence leading to chaos, rage and tears is once again reinforced and passed along.

The Brain in a State of Fear:

Our thinking brain shuts down when we’re very scared, but our feeling brain keeps going and absorbing what’s around us. The cortex, which is where we think about what we’re feeling and make sense of it, shuts down when we’re in a state of terror. When we’re really scared, our limbic system takes over and we go into fight-or-flight. Nature doesn’t want us thinking about running for safety when confronted with a charging, wild boar, it wants us simply to run.

But for a child, a drunk and raging or neglectful parent, is just as terrifying as a saber-toothed tiger and can throw them into a state of extreme stress. They freeze in fear – like a deer in the headlights, they get caught in a startle response. Following that is the attempt to fight or flee. If escape is possible, the experience of the near-trauma will be temporarily stressful, but the person is unlikely to develop full-blown PTSD. If, however, the intention to flee is thwarted, the result is a freeze response. What is a child supposed to do? If they fight, they will eventually lose; the parent, after all, has the keys to the front door. And if they flee, where will they go?

For children who grew up in addicted homes, there may have been nowhere to run. So all of those fear-laden memories may well have remained unconscious and unprocessed because the adults who they would normally have gone to for comfort and to help them understand what was scaring them, were unavailable. And to make matters even worse, it may have been the adults themselves causing the fear and stress. For the child living with addiction, the COA, this becomes a double whammy. Not only are they being hurt and terrified, but the adult, who they would normally go to for comfort and to make sense of the situation, is the one causing the pain to begin with or even blaming it on them. There is, in other words, no escape. This child is at a higher risk for developing PTSD.

The ACOA: How Childhood Pain Gets Played Out in Adult Relationships

When children are unable to make sense of frightening childhood experiences, those experiences do not necessarily disappear. Rather, the images, impressions and feelings that surround them can remain locked within their unconscious, waiting to be triggered to the surface. Unfortunately, when they do surface they often get projected onto the situation that triggered them, with little or no awareness of their deeper origins. They may see the circumstance of today as the sole cause of their intense emotional reactions and be entirely unaware that pain from their past may be driving an over-reaction in their present. Needless to say, this can make adult intimacy feel confusing and unmanageable because the past becomes mixed up with the present and problems become bigger and more complicated than necessary. This is why I call what I work with relationship trauma, because childhood relationship trauma gets triggered and played out in adult relationships.

But there is a solution, and it is likely in your neighborhood. The good news is that relationship trauma is very treatable, and treatment itself becomes a journey of personal growth and a deepening of self-awareness. A good place to start is a twelve-step room such as ALANON or an ACOA meeting. For more information, log onto NACoA.org, the National Association for Children of Alcoholics.

Recent research in neuroscience is helping us to decode this mystery.

Trauma – whether it is a one-time catastrophic event, or the cumulative trauma that is part of most any alcoholic family – affects both the limbic and the nervous systems. The effects of living with intense fear, pain and resentment can seep into our brain and body, causing emotional deregulation. So when we experience childhood abuse, it can actually affect our hardwiring throughout life.

The limbic system is responsible for such wide-ranging functions as appetite and sleep cycles, mood and emotional tone. Problems in the limbic system can cause long-term effects in our ability to self-regulate and maintain emotional and psychological balance.

We arrive in life only partly hardwired by nature; nurture finishes the job. Each tiny interaction between parent/caretaker and child actually lays down the neural wiring that becomes part of our brain/body network. This is how our early experiences inscribe themselves onto our nervous systems. It is how our environment shapes our emotional being and our limbic system.

Early Attachment and Self-Regulation

Our nervous systems are not self-contained; they link with those of the people close to us in a silent rhythm that helps regulate our physiology. Children require ongoing neural synchrony from parents in order for their natural capacity for self-directedness to emerge. In other words, it is through successful relationships that we achieve a healthy sense of autonomy.

Thomas Lewis, author of A General Theory of Love, describes limbic or emotional regulation as a mutually synchronizing hormonal exchange between mother and child that serves to regulate vital rhythms. He explains that human physiology does not direct all of its own functions; it is interdependent. It must be steadied and stabilized by the physical presence of another to maintain both physical and emotional health. “Limbic regulation mandates interdependence for social mammals of all ages,” says Lewis. “But young mammals are in special need of its guidance: their neural systems are not only immature but also growing and changing. One of the physiologic processes that limbic regulation directs, in other words, is the development of the brain itself, and that means attachment determines the ultimate nature of a child’s mind.”
Children internalize the ability to self-regulate through being in relationship with a parent who slowly and over time teaches and models self-regulation.

The Link between the ACOA/Co-Dependent and Childhood Trauma

Alongside and intertwined with the ACOA movement is the co-dependency movement. Co-dependency was a term that emerged initially in twelve-step rooms. The co-dependent, or the co-addict, like the ACOA, was that person who got sick through living with the distorted, unregulated and out-of-balance thinking, feeling and behavior that surround addiction.
Fear is a driving factor in terms of survival. Human beings have built-in defensive strategies that are designed to keep us out of harm’s way, commonly known as fight-or-flight/freeze responses. When we’re frightened, stress chemicals — such as adrenaline — course through our bodies, so that we’ll have the energy necessary to flee for safety or stand and fight. These get mobilized when we sense any kind of danger, from a saber-toothed tiger to an oncoming truck or an irate parent.
But this isn’t all that happens. There are a few other interesting body/mind phenomena that occur when we’re feeling frozen with fear, that affect the way we make sense of and remember frightening events. For example, when the survival part of our brain, often referred to as the “animal brain”, becomes aroused, the language part of the brain partially shuts down (van der Kolk, 2006). Our cortex, the part of our brain responsible for logical thinking and long-range planning, freezes up when we’re in fight-or-flight mode. We lose some of our left-brain functioning, or the ability to organize our thoughts, integrate them into a coherent context and communicate them to others.

What doesn’t freeze up, however, is the emotional scanning system in our right brains. This means that even when frightened, we retain our ability to scan our environment and those in it for signs of threat or danger (van der Kolk, 2006). In alcoholic homes, this may consist of attempting to read the emotions and divine the intentions of those around us. Both ACOAs and co-dependents may learn a lesson that can lead to problems later in life: that they can fend off trouble by remaining hypervigilant, reading the moods of those around them.

Family Dynamics that Can Lead to Emotional Deregulation

Alcoholic homes are often unpredictable, characterized by broad swings from one extreme to the other. This lack of balance becomes, over time, highly stressful to the brain/body. The kind of trauma we experience within the alcoholic family occurs slowly and over time; it is cumulative. For this reason, it affects emotional and psychological development.

Repair is an important deterrent to relationships problems, having lasting and repeating effects. But repair in alcoholic systems is not necessarily forthcoming, and if there is repair, it does not always last. Repair allows our shame/pain response, for example, to become part of personal growth. We see that something went wrong and we learn ways of setting it right, of mending what was broken or restoring a lost sense of connection. This process, that occurs in the context of a relationship, actually creates new learning, hence new neural wiring in the child. When we cannot make repairs, our feelings of shame, pain, fear and confusion go underground and can affect the way in which we function in intimate relationships.

The ability to escape perceived or real danger is one of the factors that determines whether or not a person develops PTSD. For the child in an alcoholic home, escape is often not possible. For this reason, ACOA issues often surface in adulthood as a post traumatic stress reaction. That is, the symptoms that stem from childhood pain and abuse, surface after the fact in adulthood. When ACOAs attempt to have their own families, the intensity and vulnerability of intimacy may trigger unresolved, childhood pain.

Recovery

I am constantly hearing clients say things such as, “Why isn’t this over yet?” or “I know I should be past this.” But we don’t leave our bodies behind when we grow up. We bring them right with us into adulthood. We live in them, sleep in them, eat in them and love in them. Our bodies contain a sort of neurological map that informs and guides us, a flesh-and-bones root system from which we flower into life. Changing neural wiring that has been laid down over a period of years doesn’t happen overnight.

I have created Relationship Trauma Repair (RTR) to help therapists to learn to treat the kinds of emotional deregulation that is the direct result of living with the kind of trauma that interferes with adult intimacy and can lead to self medication. RTR is a resource designed to be used in any treatment facility or clinic. It includes DVDs, a Therapist’s Guide, a Personal Journal and guided imageries to learn the skill of emotional processing and self-regulation. To learn more, go to www.relationshiptraumarepair.com.

Children’s programs provide a unique opportunity to interrupt the multigenerational transmission of addiction. They can teach youth important life skills, empower adults with parenting strategies that they can include in their recovery process, and heal and strengthen the parent/child relationship. Help, hope, and healing are the possibilities of the day.

No Way, No How

“There’s absolutely no way that’s ever going to happen,” she blurted out in an angry tone. I could clearly hear the emotion building in her voice. The mere suggestion, delivered in a careful, gentle manner, that her son might have been affected by her problem drinking was too much for her to hear. Sitting across from me was a bright, attractive 34-year-old physician who wanted to be anywhere else in the world besides my office. She was intent on setting me straight that her oldest child had not only never been affected, but also would never be participating in a kids’ program. “Sammy has absolutely no clue because I would only drink at night while he was asleep in bed,” she asserted. “I don’t want you to be filling his head with a bunch of ideas. He’s only eight.” She glared at me and declared, “I am a good mom.” I shook my head affirmatively as she bolted out the door.

The last vestige of denial is admitting the disease you never asked for has not only hurt you, but has hurt your loved ones as well, especially the children. What person in their right mind would ever hurt their children? This is such a painful place to go, yet perhaps the denial was slowly cracking for this proud, caring mother. About five days after our initial encounter, she watched the kids from the children’s program coming back from swimming. They had smiles plastered all over their faces as they were laughing and giggling about “throwing” me into the pool that particular afternoon. Even she couldn’t hide the smile as she witnessed me dripping from head to toe. These were awesome boys and girls, full of strengths, hopes, and dreams. Something touched her as she watched them parade by. “Can we meet again?” she asked as I passed by. “How about at 4?” I suggested. “I should be fairly dry by then.”

Small Steps

Her mood and tone had softened considerably. She began by stating, “Don’t you think eight is awfully young? He really doesn’t know about any of this.” I knew she was genuine as her face was filled with emotion.

“Where does your son think you are right now?” I asked.
She quickly teared up upon hearing these words and offered, “He thinks I’m working.” She paused, but before I could get a word in edgewise she continued, “But I’ve never been gone this long.” Sadness quickly enveloped her as she was looking at this situation in a brand-new light.

“Did you grow up in an addicted family?” I asked thoughtfully.

“Yes, but it was so different with my mom and her drinking. There was yelling and fighting and she never had any time for me.” She was starting to get all worked up as she asserted, “I am not like that in any way. There’s no yelling, and I spend lots of time with my children.”

I purposely interrupted by offering, “Could you have benefited from a program like this when you were eight? Could your life have been better at such a young age?”

This stopped her in her tracks and was met with stone-cold silence. “I gotta go now,” was her only reply.

Sammy’s dad had agreed with his wife that the children’s program wasn’t a good idea — until his son brought home a note from his third-grade teacher one Friday afternoon. She was very concerned about Sammy because he didn’t seem like himself at school. He was so sad, withdrawn, and distracted. This caring teacher wanted to know if anything was happening at home that was troubling this bright boy. As Dad read the note he knew it was time to immediately take action. Once the two younger ones were put to bed, Dad explained to Sammy, “Mom isn’t away working right now. I just didn’t know how to tell you. She drinks wine after you go to bed at night. Sometimes she drinks too much and it makes her sick. She’s at a special place getting help. I’ll take you to see her on Sunday.”

Sammy wouldn’t say a word and his face looked expressionless. After many moments of awkward silence he softly uttered, “Dad, I’m going to bed now.”

Bringing Mom Home

Dad was awakened early the next morning at about 5:30, as he heard a loud commotion downstairs in the kitchen — cabinets opening, doors slamming, someone talking to himself. What could this be so early on a Saturday morning? When he entered the kitchen he found Sammy fully dressed. He even had the hood on from his sweatshirt. Sammy had a flashlight in his right hand and a handful of Fruit Roll-Ups in his left.

“What in the world are you doing?” Dad asked him. “Sammy, it’s the middle of the night!”

Sammy turned toward Dad and shared, “Dad, I’m going to get Mom now and bring her back home.”

Dad was startled by his son’s words. With tears streaming down his face, Sammy said, “Oh Dad, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell Mom I hated her when she wouldn’t let me go to my friend’s house. I’ll do better in reading and I’ll clean up all the dog poop and won’t fight with my sisters anymore. I just want to tell Mom I’m sorry I stress her out and make her drink.” Dad held his son and they both cried.

Later that day, during their phone call, Dad told his wife all about what Sammy had done. This touched her in a very deep and tender place. When I got to work on Monday morning, this mom was anxiously standing by my office waiting for me to arrive.

“I want to sign my son up for the next program,” she declared.

“Absolutely,” I excitedly replied. “You are giving your son the gift you so desperately needed as a child. You’re changing the family legacy.”

“I just love my kids so much,” she shared.

“Yeah, I knew that from the moment I first met you.”

The Betty Ford Children’s Program is for seven- through 12-year-olds who come from families hurt by alcoholism and other drug addiction. With locations in Southern California, the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex, and Denver, Colorado, no child is ever turned away due to an inability to pay. For more information go to www.bettyfordcenter.org.

This article is adapted from Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through a Child’s Eyes by Jerry Moe, 2007.

More than a year ago, I wrote a blog entitled “Is Relapse Part of Recovery?” in which I explored the four broad psychological triggers that the recovering alcoholic/addict faces: fear, resentment, expectations, and boredom.

In my new book Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict, I have a chapter entitled “77 Warning Signs of Relapse” (yes, I said 77), and they range from eating irregularly to developing an I-don’t-care attitude. But the following six are specific frontrunners that can start the motor revving toward relapse:

1. Feelings and emotions are all over the map. Sobriety can be a very new, often uncertain and even scary state of mind. The alcoholic/addict has been used to living and functioning a certain way. Now, all of that is gone or surely has greatly changed. The difficulty in managing these new feelings, taking it slowly and understanding that the body, mind and emotions are transforming can feel so unstable to the alcoholic/addict that they quickly run out of patience to cope with this and believe that relapse is the only way for them to feel normal again.
2. Difficulty living life on life’s terms. Much like the above, the alcoholic/addict in recovery has difficulty living life on life’s terms. Normal, daily stressors that the normie or healthy one might take in stride can turn into monumental issues of such a catastrophic nature that their coping devices are non-existent or too early in their infancy to deal with the situation at hand. The alcoholic/addict may have difficulty hitting the pause button, stepping back to analyze the circumstances in a calm and clear manner and realizing that an answer or conclusion is easy to obtain and that relapse does not have to be part of the equation. Bailing at the first sign of trouble or turning tail and heading for the hills is all too commonplace for the alcoholic/addict, and therefore relapse is not only their excuse but their answer to the problem.
3. The staunch belief that they will never drink again. When the alcoholic/addict has finally committed to living a clean and sober existence, it is often like a new love affair. I have counseled many clients who spout and pontificate about how they have finally realized how important sobriety is. They proudly feel that they have found the key that will halt their drinking forever; this very cocky nature and ego-driven thinking will almost always be their downfall. The word humble is missing from their vocabulary, and they foolishly don’t give this powerful disease the respect and caution it deserves; they believe they are wiser and stronger than their addiction. Whether they adhere to a 12-step recovery program or not, it is the wise folks who started AA many years ago who staunchly state that sobriety can only be successful if taken “one day at a time.”
4. Irritated or easily angered. There may be rumblings of a relapse if the alcoholic/addict is quick to anger or more easily irritated than when practicing a clean and sober lifestyle. Your loved one could be lashing out at anyone around him/her for no apparent reason as they find their struggle with sobriety becoming precarious. Their irritation or anger can be the result of being unable or unwilling to seek help and get the situation in check. Sometimes it takes more strength and courage to realize that one may be sinking back into that black hole, admit that they are in trouble, put their ego aside and buck up to ask for help. Anger and irritation can also be mere cover-ups for feeling scared, embarrassed, or ashamed. Too many emotions going on at one time may very easily blow the circuit of sobriety, and relapse presents that doorway leading to the comfort of addiction.
5. Loss of commitment to their recovery program. Rarely does the alcoholic/addict become or try to become clean and sober without help. Whether it is the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step recovery program, an outpatient or residential recovery program, or individual counseling, it is almost impossible to self-treat years of out-of-control, abusive, addictive behavior. If relapse is knocking at the door of your loved one, they may start to rearrange their sober program and use excuses for not attending AA meetings (“I don’t need to go to this meeting, I already went to one this week. Anyway, I don’t like the people there”); leaving a residential program early (“This place is not for me. I’ve gotten everything out of it there is to know”); or quitting private or group counseling (“I don’t like my counselor. He/she has no idea what I’m about and can’t help me. I’m wasting my money”). True and strong recovery takes years of work and is successful when coupled with an ongoing and consistent clean-and-sober program.
6. Hanging out with drinking buddies or visiting old haunts. There is a saying in the AA community, “If you visit the barber shop often enough, you’re bound to get a haircut.” If your loved one is starting to hang out with the old gang and visiting sites where his/her addiction was in full bloom, no matter how hard they try, eventually it is more likely than not that they will succumb to their old ways. The alcoholic/addict may justify returning to their old friends by saying that they just want to see them, they miss them and swear that there is no way that they will indulge in any substance abuse behavior. Well, eventually that will wear thin, as it stands to reason that if everyone around you is getting high, what fun are you having being clean and sober? Wanting to belong, glamorizing and missing the good old days can be a very strong pull toward relapse.

So, if you see these symptoms in your loved one start to rear their ugly heads, what, if anything, can you do about it? Honestly, very little. Remember that you cannot control whether they decide to enter a clean and sober lifestyle or continue to maintain it. You can certainly state calmly and lovingly that you have noticed a steady change in their demeanor or behavior and that you are concerned, and you are available to talk about it if they wish. If you have established consequences in the event of a relapse, you can certainly remind them of what’s at stake if they continue down this possible destructive path.

Please keep in mind that you are not the cause or responsible if there is a relapse. They may try to rope you in or pin it on you in some way, but the bottom line is that their commitment to live a clean and sober life style rests solely and squarely on their shoulders.

However, for many single parents, the holidays are less than joyful. Many are attending the festivities with or without their children, minus a significant other for the very first time. This can bring up feelings of sadness, depression, hopelessness, grief, loss and overwhelming loneliness. Suddenly, they are observing the holiday cheer from the outside with despair and desperation.

The Census Bureau reports there are more than 11 million single parents in the United States that are doing the holidays solo this year.

CREATE NEW TRADITIONS

The solution for many single parents is to create new holiday rituals. They realize that they have continued to do things the “same old, same old” as holidays gone by just because old messages tell them they are supposed to. When they begin to shake up the old traditions and create new ones, single parents begin to experience a sense of profound freedom and empowerment.

Maybe this season is one of giving back. Perhaps this year, you can visit a nursing home with cookies for the patients or a domestic violence shelter with goodies for the children, or clothes that no longer fit from your closet for the moms.

Accommodating new traditions teaches children the value of acceptance and tolerance. They learn that the holidays can be celebrated in many different forms, and that there is not just one way to experience them. Psychotherapists who work with single-parent families suggest that new rituals can combat the pain of past memories or alleviate feeling left out in a two-parent world.

One mother journals during the holidays to help purge her feelings of loneliness and grief and takes stock of all the blessings she has received, as well as the endless possibilities of joy and abundance for the coming year.

DEVELOP A SUPPORT SYSTEM

For many single parents, creating a network of other single-parent families can be very effective in reducing the feelings of alienation and isolation during the holidays. It allows children to realize that they are not the only ones that come from a single-parent household. Starting your own single-parent support group, or inviting other single-parent families over for the holidays can increase your chances of being a participant during this jovial season, rather than feeling left out observing others having all the fun.

CO- PARENTING MINDFULLY

Preparing your children for “who gets whom” during the holidays is imperative. Children do much better when knowing what to expect. Ask them for their input as to how they want to spend their holidays, and keep in mind that teenagers also need time with their friends. Children who are away from one parent often find it difficult and need to feel safe and secure at the other parent’s house. Creating a sacred space for them with some of their comforting things from home can alleviate some of the stress. It is important for the primary custodial parent to keep in touch regularly with their children by email or telephone. They can even send small notes in stocking stuffers letting them know they are missed and how much they are loved. Keeping the lines of communication open with the other parent can eliminate hostility, resentment and conflict during this stressful time.

There are various options parents can take with the holiday schedule. Celebrate the eve of the holiday at one home and the day of the holiday at the other, for instance. This way, children get the best of both worlds. If both parents feel comfortable celebrating together, the children will receive the benefits, as long as it is a peaceful environment. Studies suggest decreasing conflicts between co-parents in front of their children is the best indicator of better adjustment later on in their lives. In addition, don’t burden your child by making them feel guilty as to where they are going to spend the holidays. Also, don’t over-indulge them with lavish gifts because you yourself feel guilty for not being there, or because they are a product of divorce. This type of guilt will only make your child feel entitled and can cause problems for them later on. This teaches children the value of money, and that gift-giving can be a source of creativity by making gifts if money is tight.

HOLIDAYS AS A SINGLETON

Now is the perfect time to pamper yourself, travel and, above all, be good to yourself. Throw away the guilty hat, and make time for you. How about taking up yoga? Going to the spa? Skiing in Vail?Cruising to Mexico or Italy – go ahead and be a kid. Seize the holidays with pure pleasure and decadence while the kids are away. Buy some gifts and wrap them up for you. You deserve it! And if you need to shed some tears, go ahead. There is nothing more healing than having a good cry.

Take your power back. Stop thinking about what the holidays “should” be and make them what they are, right now in this moment. Live in gratitude for what you do have. Stop blaming him or her for your blues and make the paradigm shift of honoring the family you do have. Take the time this holiday season to slow down, take a deep breath of joy and let out a breath of compassion for you, your children and for the universe.

TIPS TO CONQUER THE HOLIDAY BLUES

• Accept that the holidays are going to be different and new, but that doesn’t mean it has to be less-than or damaged.
• Be mindful and grateful for what you do have: Make a gratitude list of the abundance you have right now.
• Discuss co-parenting issues in advance so there are no surprises.
• Get into the spirit of being, rather than doing so that each moment that passes you are awake, open and available to experience all the endless wonders and miracles that surround you this holiday season.

Stay tuned to Sherry’s first teleseminar in January on “Finding your Purpose with Intention” from her book The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery. Go to her Website, www.sgabatherapy.com, to receive your free Relapse Prevention Report or http://thelawofsobriety.com/ to buy your book today.