Diane Sawyer called it the Tea Fire—such a civilized name for a catastrophic event. Montecito had already lost some of its magnificent homes with more predicted to burn. It seemed quite a distance from Mount Calvary, my 12-step retreat home up the canyon in Santa Barbara so I wrote it off as yet another tragedy that struck others. For a brief moment I realized that the monks might be in danger, but I went on with my day as usual.

Soon I learned I was wrong. My cell phone rang around 10:30 that morning with a number I didn’t recognize. It was from one of my fellow 12-steppers who had never called me before. “Mount Calvary was in the fire—not sure how badly it was affected. We’re waiting for more information, but we know the brothers all got out ok.”

Utter disbelief. How could this be? “The monastery is too far from Montecito,” I thought to myself. I held on to a small thread of hope for the rest of the morning as my sheltered knowledge of wildfires kept me momentarily safe from the reality of what happened. By noon the news reports confirmed it, “Mount Calvary destroyed.” That’s all the information I needed and the tears began to flow.

It was May 1995. In retrospect I’m not sure how I made it up the mountain the very first time, but I remember seeing a flyer at a meeting, asking someone about the retreat and mustering up the courage to make my first trek up the mountain. This turned out to be one of the finest decisions I ever made.

Driving up to Mount Calvary was always an adventure for the newcomer because of its remote location. Once you get to the Santa Barbara Mission, you wind your way up the mountain until you reach Gibraltar Road—apropos of such a cornerstone of recovery and healing. Mount Calvary had been home to Benedictine monks since 1947 and my fellowship has been embraced by the brothers since the late 80s with the utmost love, respect and graciousness. Capacity for retreats is thirty and there’s always been more than a 2-year waitlist illustrating the devotion so many 12 step and community groups feel for this sanctuary perched up on the mountain.

Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends quickly developed into my twice-a-year-ritual and a pillar of my recovery. It became tradition to leave behind my overly-scheduled L.A. life and retreat to this sacred space. Having participated in more than twenty retreats at Mount Calvary, I formed a more intimate connection to the 12 steps and to my comrades in recovery. As a matter of fact, it became a private weekend getaway with my Higher Power.

I feel that I grew up at the monastery and witnessed others grow up beside me. We shared meetings, stepwork, workshops, meals, hikes, movie reviews, tears, laughter and the “Great Silence”. Always a welcome opportunity to slow down, commune with Mother Nature and be embraced by the brothers and sisters of my fellowship as well as the brothers of the Benedictine order. All the while cradled on the Mount Calvary mountaintop with panoramic views of magnificent mountains and endless ocean vistas.  The retreat had such a big heart matched only by the serenity, unconditional love and warmth of the monastery and the brothers.

When CNN reported “Mount Calvary Destroyed”, the floodgates of my heart opened, yet part of my gratitude is my capacity to feel what I feel and share this with others. You see — there was a time early in my recovery when I couldn’t cry. Now as I thaw more and more, recovery has given me back my feelings and my aliveness and Mount Calvary has been one of the midwives for this transformation.

Two weeks after the fire I made a final pilgrimage to Mount Calvary to witness the destruction of the monastery and to say goodbye to what I had known. We trespassed through the fences around the remaining ruins and attempted to say goodbye the best way we knew how. Along with the camaraderie of a few loving men who share similar histories with Mount Calvary, we paid homage to the site and then made our way down the hill to check on one of our beloved monks who had been displaced to St. Mary’s, a convent next door to the Mission. A chapter of my recovery was now over.

Grief is such a personal experience. Yet, my deeper healing comes from a communal experience of sharing the loss— keeping the love and spirit of Mount Calvary alive that resides within us and always will. Everyone grieves in their own way, but I reject the idea that I just have to get over it. That is the myth. It’s not about getting over it—it’s about learning to live with the loss—integrating this unfathomable ending into life’s experiences and folding it into the texture of my 14 years of recovery.

Mount Calvary is gone forever in its physical form, yet its vast spiritual energy will never go away as it resides within me and travels wherever I go. This is the gift. I suited up and showed up and it was there for me to receive. The future of Mount Calvary is still uncertain, but we can be sure that it will stay alive in each of us who experienced its sacred energy. Gratitude rises from the ashes.

Donations for their continued support as a monastic community are urgently needed and can be made to: Mount Calvary, P.O. Box 1296  Santa Barbara, CA 93102

Life’s way too short.  Yet, many of us live our lives on automatic pilot without considering what makes life worth living.   The purpose of this article is to offer a fresh perspective on the recovery process by introducing Recovery Coaching.  Powerful, thought-provoking questions, both existential and spiritual, are an integral part of the coaching relationship and these conversations add a new dimension to the quality work already going on in the recovery community.

Currently, there’s confusion over the differences between coaching and therapy.  Although coaching borrows from the world of psychotherapy, there are some specific distinctions.  As a credentialed coach and licensed psychotherapist, I keep my two practices completely separate for legal and ethical reasons. I come from a psychodynamic background as a therapist—exploring the influence of childhood on clients today. The following chart outlines the contrast between coaching and this particular school of therapy.

The International Coach Federation (ICF) is a nonprofit organization formed by professional coaches worldwide and has over 12,000 members in 42 countries.  The ICF defines coaching as follows:  Coaching is partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.  Coaching is an ongoing relationship which focuses on clients taking action toward the realization of their vision, goals or desires.  Coaching uses a process of inquiry and personal discovery to build the client’s level of awareness and responsibility and provides the client with structure, support and feedback.  The coaching process helps clients both define and achieve professional and personal goals with more ease than would be possible otherwise.

According to a recent ICF survey, the average coach is 46-55 years old with 5-10 years coaching experience, and 53% of coaches have a graduate degree.  Coaching clients tend to be 56% female and 44% male with an average age between 38-45 years old.

Twenty-five years ago executive coaches were being utilized more and more in the corporate world, and in the 90’s life coaching rapidly emerged. Now in the 21st century Recovery Coaching has entered the scene.  In 2005 I co-founded Recovery Coaches International (RCI) to bring together a community of coaches working in the recovery field, and in 2006 a certified Recovery Coach training program was established by RCI’s other co-founder.

Just as every therapist is different, every Recovery Coach is different.  For instance, I choose to work with clients who are clean and sober, and other coaches may work with those who are trying to get sober.  At this time screening tools are being developed to help potential clients determine if they’re good candidates to benefit from coaching.  The ICF suggests that to be successfully coached clients must be able to partner with a coach and to develop specific goals. I’ve found that 3-6 months of sobriety seems to be the basic foundation necessary for a client to benefit from coaching within my model.  A solid foundation in recovery tends to make room for more clarity of purpose and expansiveness.

Recovery Coaching helps clients:

• Clarify a vision for the next chapter of their life.
• Define specific goals and action steps to support this vision.
• Stay accountable toward these intentions.

As a result, purpose, passion and priorities unfold.  If your goals and action steps are in alignment with your values, priorities and purpose, you’ll feel hopeful and energized.  If not, you’ll tend to feel flat and stuck.

“What gives your life meaning?” can be a daunting question, but the coaching process encourages clients to examine big ticket items such as joy, purpose and balance.  Questions such as “What do you really, really want?” shapes the course of the coaching process.  It’s interesting to note that the Positive Psychology community supports the efforts of coaching through its research of topics such as gratitude, forgiveness and resiliency. Dr. Martin Seligman who coined the term Positive Psychology describes it as the science of What Makes Life Worth Living.

Once you choose to live an addiction-free life, a blank canvas appears where you get to design your future paths. With the guidance of coaches, sponsors, therapists and trusted confidants, you clear away the cobwebs of the past, become more aware of the essence of who you are and move forward with purpose and direction in this next chapter of your life and recovery.

The following tools will give you a flavor of Recovery Coaching:

1.  Take a Joy Inventory
How many of us stop to look at what’s going right in our lives?  A joy inventory is a chance to recall what has brought you joy in the past, what brings you joy currently and how you would like to invite more joy and fun into your future.

Write down all the joys of the past and present.  After brainstorming the past, make a list of all the fun, joyful, fulfilling people, places and experiences you would like to invite into your life from now on.

Note:  Because many people in recovery forget how to have sober fun, this exercise challenges you to create more balance in your life.

2.  Get Clear and Take Purposeful Action
Now that you’ve written down what brings you joy, take one item from your list and be even more specific.  For example, a client of mine wanted to spend more time at the beach because she felt lighter and more playful by the water. After brainstorming ways of creating more quality time at the beach, she decided that she wanted to spend time at the beach weekly with a friend.  Throwing a Frisbee, walking her dog, putting her feet in the water were all listed as possible activities and she decided she wanted to set up “playdates” for herself with a friend each week.

Note: You may consider bookending your intention.  For example, let someone you trust know about your intention for weekly beach time.  Go ahead and take that action and let this same accountability person know when you’ve completed it.  Bookending is a tool of accountability.

3.  Create your Vision
What do you really want in this next chapter of your life and your recovery?  Let go of any of the shoulds or supposed to’s, and take time now to write about what you want in the following areas: friends, family, career, money, spirituality, health, fun, love and romance. Don’t hold back even if you think it’s not possible now.  Give shape and voice to your vision of life 1 year from now. (If 1 year feels too long, shorten the timeline to 90 days.)

Note: It’s not that anything has to happen—it’s simply what could happen.

Coaching asks you to stretch beyond your comfort zone while keeping your feet firmly on the ground.  Deepak Chopra in his book Overcoming Addictions, reminds us that “the absence of joy is the cause and the effect of addictions,” and coaching encourages you to invite joy into your sobriety.  With joy comes purpose, and as you open your heart to purposeful recovery, you’ll find more meaning, intention and direction in everything you think or say or do.