Resolve, Relapse and Regret
Written By: Angie Carter, CRADC, SAP Date: January 8th, 2012. Topic: Recovery Stories.By Angie Carter
This time of year many resolutions are made, only to be quietly dismissed shortly thereafter. But how can such a determined resolution to quit drinking end in another failed attempt to stop a behavior that can be so harmful to self and others? One would think such a person is either very weak or just doesn’t care. It is easy to see how others can come to this conclusion about the problem drinker if they are judging him based on his actions. Sometimes opinions can be formed based on what a person says, but when it comes down to intentions or what a person actually does, the latter will usually make the determination about who we think he or she is.
I am a recovering alcoholic and very grateful to be in long-term recovery. In my drinking days, I would get intoxicated and inevitably hurt someone with my behavior. It might be physically, verbally or simply not following through with a commitment or a promise. I would offer up an honest apology and a solemn oath to quit, only to return to a similar behavior somewhere down the road. As such, my apologies became hollow. My intention was not to hurt anyone, but my behavior said something else. That is the precise reason why alcoholics do not have the trust of those around them. Their actions do not show a history of consistent, trustworthy behaviors.
I experienced much regret, guilt and shame as a result of my drinking. Common sense would surely guide a person in the direction of not repeating a behavior over and over when it causes such angst and turmoil. It would appear that a person is not learning from her mistakes when repeating this negative behavior. This is one of the reasons it is so hard to understand alcoholics. Who in their right mind would exhibit this irrational behavior? Why can’t they see what they are doing and just quit? Loved ones can fall into the trap of trying to help them by repeatedly explaining the impact of their drinking behaviors. The more the alcoholic continues their irrational behavior, the more the family members try to reason with them. Loved ones of a practicing addict can be significantly affected by this powerful disease, thus leading to their own desperate and bizarre behavior.
Addiction is a very powerful and complex process that takes place in the primal part of the brain. When this process is active, it will very often override the thinking brain and push out any type of reasonable thinking. It replaces common sense and rational thought with distorted, magical thinking that becomes paramount. Denial assists in this process. In addition, alcohol is a depressant, and the more alcohol a person consumes, the more it depresses or puts to sleep different areas of the brain, starting with the frontal lobe (the decision-making center). If this area of our brain is inhibited, it is much easier to chase that euphoric feeling that is created through the chemical changes of drinking or drugging. The thinking becomes: if one is good, then more is better.
Many helpful books and loads of materials have been written on relapse. Counselors, treatments center and self-help groups around the world are familiar with it, study it and offer ideas, methods, tips and tools to try to help a person prevent it. There is no single proven method, no magic pill and sometimes seemingly no rhythm or reason to relapse.
Typically, though, there are warning signs that a relapse is about to occur. One thing I can share about relapse is that it does not have to mean hopelessness. I have witnessed many chronic relapsers come up out of the ashes of deep-rooted addiction and get clean and sober. It is important to note that family members do not have to tolerate unacceptable behavior until a person reaches the point of wanting to get sober. Strong, firm boundaries need to be in place while the person goes through the process of their addiction.
I have much faith in the person who continually to tries to get sober. My message to alcoholics would be, don’t ever give up, it can happen. It is not impossible nor is it hopeless. Family members and loved ones need to tend to their own journey and take care of themselves when dealing with someone who struggles with relapse. Left unchecked, this illness can also take them hostage. They, too, can experience a relapse and return to the crazy behavior of trying to stop, control or cure the alcoholic.
I have experienced relapse, and getting back on track was difficult. But I needed that experience because I was convinced I could get sober by myself. My relapse taught me I needed help from those who were sober. Also, learning about my triggers and relapse warning signs helped me to avoid those pitfalls.
The good news is that relapse doesn’t have to continually occur; long-term sobriety is possible; and family members can also lead a sane and serene life.
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