Excerpt from Starve the Ego: Feed the Soul!

Written By: Connie Miller, TEP, NCC, LPC Date: June 28th, 2010. Topic: Member Blogs.

My idea of taking a good spiritual path and becoming a good spiritual leader is helping and supporting people to trust in themselves and their personal connections with a higher power. When we can find these connections, there are no more rules, as life is ever-changing and spontaneously evolving. We are always challenged to develop new aspects of ourselves and since everyone’s spiritual path is different, we need to give each other hope and encouragement. Ask yourself now, where am I on my path? If you are ready, we will begin our journey with Iye.

Chapter One

“What matters is to spontaneously open to the reality of God.”
Thomas Merton, (1985)

Meeting Iye in the State of Ego

“Why can’t I ever find a relationship that lasts? Why do I fell so alone and that something is missing in my life? Why can’t I find the girl of my dreams?” This was Iye’s familiar lament.

Iye’s last breakup with the woman in his life was so painful that he invited me into the land of Rational Intelligence to present a Souldrama workshop. At first, I resisted revisiting the state of Ego for I remember how unhappy I had been there. I am a bit wiser now for I know that every time I resist something, I am given an opportunity to grow. So here I was back in the land of Rational Intelligence, in the state of Ego, wondering again what I was doing here.

Iye met me at the airport and the first thing I noticed when I arrived was that although the land looked very fertile, there were no flowers or gardens. When I pointed this out, Iye said “Everyone is busy preparing the soil, turning it over and over and creating fences and boundaries for their gardens and perfecting the seeds. They are always planning for every possible problem that could happen when the garden is planted; therefore, the seeds never get planted! They stay on the shelf.”

“This seems to be a metaphor for life,” I told Iye. “If we never take the action to plant the seeds, our gardens will never grow. The seeds are our creativity — our life’s purpose — the part of our soul that needs nourishing and growth. In our recovery process, the missing piece is the planting of the seeds. This is the part of life that offers forward movement with the energy of joy.”

Even though Iye, age 50, had been in recovery from Alcoholism for the past 15 years, he could not seem to get his relationships right. Iye had a successful career as a prominent research scientist for the past 25 years. Having been divorced twice, he was bored with life, felt isolated and often depressed in his job, and unhappy in his relationships. He has two children from his second marriage, a boy Chet, age 13, and a girl, Sage, age 11. His hobby is photography. All Iye can think about is his next relationship and how when he meets the girl of his dreams, everything will be fine.

Iye cannot meet the girl of his dreams because for him, dreaming is more fun than the reality of a relationship. You see, when he dreams, he can control the beginning and endings. When he actually gets into a relationship, he has to deal with the reality. There he has no control.

Iye suffers from what I have coined “IDD” Internal Dialogue Disorder. He is very busy figuring out every possible problem that could occur from any action he may take and the problems from any future actions. As a result, Iye does not live in the present and is too afraid to move forward in a life that now has no meaning or purpose. He is afraid to plant his own garden. Further, he often asks, “Is this all there is?”

Iye’s father was an engineer. He was a very quiet man until he was provoked by Iye’s mother, a very emotional woman. When his mother, a teacher of romance languages could not get an emotional response from his father, she would provoke him until he exploded. Some response, she thought, was better than nothing. His father then would just start to drink and isolate. Isolation became a pattern of how to deal with emotions within this family.

As an only child, Iye would go to his room and isolate when his parents fought. He would sit on his bed and look out the window and just think. He would go up into his head and try to figure out what was happening. When the lights went out he would worry and become hyper vigilant. To stop himself from feeling and worrying, he would distract himself reading for hours finding safety in his books and in words. His books and his mind were his constant companion. They were his friends. Later, he turned to photography to capture moments of beauty and love.

In order to get his father’s full attention, Iye would do research in one of his books and present him with any new fact or information. His father then would notice him and give him some attention. What he learned was that in order to get love from his father, he had to have a lot of new facts and information. He therefore took on the role of “information getter” for his father.

Iye did not look for his mother’s attention, rather tried to avoid her and when he had to be in her presence, he learned to mostly tolerate her. She was always smothering him, trying to find an emotional companion and confidant. She would pour out her feelings about his father’s behavior and his lack of emotion. Iye learned to avoid his mother as much as possible because he did not want to be smothered nor hear about his father’s inadequacies. Thus, he learned how to leave situations that required intimacy for fear of engulfment. He developed two main roles in life in order to survive in this family; the avoider or distancer and the information gatherer.

“You have a very interesting name, Iye, does it have a meaning?”

“Yes, he said. In Native American language it means “Smoke”.

“Well, let’s hope that this process can help you begin to see clearly!”

Our Rational Intelligence and our Brains

We sat down to have lunch and Iye asked “Why can’t I move forward in a relationship? I seem to find the same woman with the same problems? Why can’t I find true love and the relationship of my dreams? Why can’t I commit or find anyone? I feel so alone.”

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