Very Personal Rehabilitation

Written By: JMichael Fields Date: April 30th, 2009. Topic: Recovery Stories.

The beginning

I have always believed that the best sort of treatment for alcoholics and addicts is in some kind of residential situation. Alcoholics are great conmerchants and can easily pull themselves together for an hour or two while they go to an AA meeting or a visit to their counsellor or therapist. 24 hour observation and communication help to get to the roots of the problems quicker and deeper and more truthfully. I also know that the best therapy for Alcoholics is from a former alcoholic who has been through it all. It needs someone who has worked on the causes for their own drinking. I stopped drinking 22 years ago and have deepened my self knowledge using many different techniques, much endurance and total soul searching. A long but rewarding process. It can be relatively easy to stop drinking but working on the self is the only way to stay stopped. I feel myself fortunate to understand myself and my behaviour. During the last 15 years I also worked with hundreds of people with alcohol and emotion problems. This has been in one-to-one, small group and large group situations. I really enjoy working with whole families to help with their emotional needs and communications. My approach requires total honesty with myself and to my clients about what I have been through. I have also worked in theatre and television since I was a child as a director, writer, actor and choreographer. Much as I love my theatre life I find many more rewards in my Emotional Fitness practice. Talk, play, psycho-drama and a healing situation help to convert negativity and pessimism into hope and optimism. I had always thought of opening my home to help people and this year I was given the perfect opportunity. I would like to tell you about this adventure as it was 100% successful.

The telephone calls

I had a dramatic phone call from a respected fellow therapist in Ireland. She told me of a 19 year old boy who was fighting a losing battle with alcohol. He was self harming and becoming more and more depressed. He was sent down from University mid year and he was losing friends and support. He had always been charming and popular until the drinking really kicked in the previous year. I said almost without thinking….”Send him to me here in Italy”. I put down the phone and went away thinking “What am I saying….he might be violent…. he might have terrible problems……. but here I am, when I am at my busiest, taking a problem boy into my own home”. Yes I had plenty of space and rooms but who knows how it would work? Could I sustain this 24 hour responsibility. More important, could he? I squashed my own fears in favour of helping him. I really believe in what I do, and it was time to prove my theories. That night he had another massive drinking bout complete with further self harming and the boy was warned he would be sectioned if he didn’t come here to me. His family found his behaviour frightening and they could take no more. I was his last chance as all other routes had ended in failure.

The arrival

He duly arrived the following evening by plane from Belfast to Rome and then a car journey from Rome through the mountains to my house and church in the mountains of central Italy. When he walked through the door, with his Mother and Aunt as travelling companions, he looked like a hostage. His skin was bloated and yellowish while his hair was a moppish mess. He didn’t want to be here with me at all and I could feel his anger and resentment across the other side of the room. He was, however, a pleasant looking boy with little or no self esteem. He had pockets of anger round his chin and jaw which later gave rise to the joke name of ‘the hamster’ because he looked as if he had pouches. His family members left and we made tea. Then we talked. And how we talked. Finally at about 4 a.m. the next morning I said good night and left him alone for the first time.

Time after time that first night and in the following weeks we discovered so many similarities in our problems and behaviour. Mine, I had done in the past. His were current. It was fun seeing him realising that there was someone like him. There was an immediate bond – like conspirators. We spent some 5-6 hours in this getting to know you dialogue. I told him we had to look at his prejudices and resentments and he seemed suddenly very happy. The barriers were dropping and so quickly too. I really liked him. That night, I slept like a log and for the first time in weeks so did he.

The change begins

Day one. I decided to take him through the mountains to Assisi and we did a typical tourist day mixed with a lot of questions and answers about his feelings, his tastes, his relationships and his degradation into alcohol at University. He talked about his drinking jokingly and defensively which made it clear to me that he saw nothing wrong in his behaviour. He told me that it was his parents’ fault he had ended up here. His parents made him want to drink. “Mother made him come here.” He informed me that, in spite of that, he liked me and knew I was honest. I didn’t choose to change any of his thoughts that day or the next. I always prefer to let the client express himself for the first few encounters. I just kept affirming my belief that life was something wonderful and really worth living. He was growing more and more open about his thoughts and feelings. I saw his hatred of his own looks. His hair had been badly dyed a sort of sad yellow blonde with dark roots although it was actually a naturally dark chestnut colour which contrasted with his amazing blue eyes. We talked of his anger with his parents, mostly with his father and his desire to attack them verbally and emotionally all the time. He talked of revenge for what they had done to him. I observed his need to punish himself and them. True addict behaviour and thoughts. Real guilt behaviour. One of his main problems was that he asserted “I drink because EVERYONE DRINKS, so I HAVE to. I would be lonely if I didn’t drink because I would lose all my friends”. He lived in a predominantly drinking culture. He saw it as clever to drink and to be drunk.

The Process begins

I decided to make rules although I wanted each day to feel as flexible as possible for him. There was no regular daily time fixed for anything. At the beginning of each day I suggested times for different activities and I changed the times and activities every day. This was not school or work. I wanted it to feel more like a holiday. I made a pledge to myself to give him at least 5 or 6 hours each day one-to-one. He could smoke but only in his bedroom or outside on the terrace. He could use the computer, but I preferred him not to use my phone. Feelings were to be voiced and honesty an imperative at all times. That meant both of us. We started to remove his prejudices one by one. The problem with alcohol is that it opens everyone who drinks to all the negative thoughts and feelings both in themselves and everyone else they come in contact with. Alcohol removes our natural self protection and we forget it is also a huge depressant. He drank because he was depressed which was creating even deeper depression and quickly he had created a vicious circle for himself. His darkness and ability to slip into shadow self was fast and at times almost irretrievable. We ate together, watched movies together and talked hours and hours each day. We looked at his lack of vision for and about himself. Everything, for him, had been a negative and downward spiral. He had wallowed in withdrawal. Life, friends and family all came under attack. He created activity constantly and noise. If he stayed in left brain activity he wouldn’t have to look inside himself and acknowledge his right brain emotional impulses. First, music on the music centre followed by his headphones and his Mini disc player with discs of various types of music. Then quickly to the computer after he rang out on his mobile phone. I left his self medicating props such as these, for the minute, but looked to remove and reduce their hold on him. He improved for a day or two. He sunbathed. He started very slowly to look after his looks. We talked of diet and the need to drink water. His aversion to fruit and salad was extreme but his love of eating vegetables was at this point a saving grace. We adopted a healthier diet for a healthier outlook on life for him. It worked.

First breakthrough

Suddenly, on Tuesday, I could feel that something had changed. His honesty was replaced by a veneer personality and it was difficult to approach him on any level. He was hiding in there behind an adopted facade. I kept going and said nothing until we had our so-called quiet, healing time of day. I gave him energy healing most days he was here and afterwards, as he was usually at his most open and relaxed, we would see how he could re-programme his thinking. It was a slow but worthwhile process. He had been very open to it the first two or three days but, on this day, there was a wall that I hadn’t met before. I was aware that he had spent a lot of time on his mobile and that seemed to affect him rather adversely.

We started the healing and talking work but he was in another world. I had already noticed his desire to be in fantasy, but this was different and almost impenetrable. I knew I had to take action somehow. My way of working usually is to see what comes out of the client, but I knew I needed a really strong proactive stance to reclaim him into the here and now. I pushed him by going into psycho drama. I was suddenly, in essence, what he thought of as his Father and not his co-conspirator. I saw his anger rise and then he froze into a fear paralysis. I was suddenly the enemy. He withdrew to his room for the rest of the day where he packed and got ready to leave while submerging himself into his headphones and mobile phone. The next day we talked and laughed and talked again. He saw how he had reacted to the situation that I had created and he realised how he created the impasse of the previous day. Our situation worked from then on. We talked about where he had gone in his head and why he needed that fantasy world which he was so adept at creating. I realised that he had been talking a lot on his mobile to his closest friend and she seemed to have a destructive influence on him. I always let him see and understand my moods and feelings. I explained exactly where I was inside me at all times to encourage him to observe his own emotional responses. He stopped the veneer for the following 8 weeks and I was able to assess his mood swings and where and when he was acting, instead of being himself. Brick by brick we removed the negative blocks of his emotions and thoughts. We started with ‘All Americans are..’… ‘Detective stories are sh***’ ….. there seemed to be nothing that really suited him for the first three weeks. I had him take a day where the words ‘I hate’ were not allowed and he was shocked at how he used it in every other sentence. We ate together lunchtimes and evenings. His sleep pattern had been wrecked by the alcohol so he was often awake until 3 or 4 in the morning so I left him to breakfast alone. He was better left alone in the mornings in these first days. His anger was always swallowed then exploded some time later. How well I knew that pattern from my past…….he invariably went into freeze and flight emotionally when I said something he didn’t like. He tried to be as honest as he possibly could. He wanted to learn self knowledge. One day, I told him of some problems I had at the time of a practical and difficult nature and he listened and was helpful. I had intended to keep it from him but felt that honesty was the best course. He showed his care and support for me which ran very deep inside him. It showed clearly that his feeling attacked and also wanting to attack the world covered a sensitive and caring soul. This never left our relationship and he found he had great untapped sub-layers of compassion.

An unusual breakthrough

On a particularly quiet and difficult day I put on a DVD of the film LA VIE EN ROSE which tells the story of Edith Piaf’s life. A magnificent film. I felt it was unlikely to attract him but I had let him choose the movies for the first week or so and it was time for my choice! He moved from the next room to watch and to my surprise was glued to the screen for the next two hours. He loved it. And (I can’t believe I am telling you this) he adored the music of this extraordinary woman in the 1950′s and 60′s. He watched the film some 12 or more times while he was here. This was unexpected and a sort of miracle.

I believe that every client has their own unique way to self recovery and it is often not where the therapist might think or plan.

This film led us on a journey of discovery. First, he started to learn French. Languages are his passion but his former unreasonable prejudice against the French people had made him resistant to learning French at all. He also wanted to exercise or rather Dancercise which led us to do some stretching and dance every day for the next two weeks. He got stronger and everything about him improved. He held his head up for the first time since he arrived. Going out for runs or jogging was not his way but dance was. I took him to a really good ballet performance as he had never been to one before and his joy and pleasure were astounding. Then, some two to three weeks later he decided that he wanted to learn to sing. I had spent many years in theatre showing non-singers how to sing. When we started out the next day I could hear the potential of a big strong tenor voice. It surfaced with a little work each day. He had been scared to speak up for himself at all, except in anger, but the singing helped him breathe and speak his way into the world. He even read out loud in French. He was creating real inner and not outer self confidence. I suggested he write and draw and I saw how intuitive and creative he really was and is. This was his unique way through to a new life and one I was easily able to help him with. It was not the programme I had planned at all. I have never thus used my theatre and television background in therapy before with any client. This unusual approach had more spontaneity and was more personal for him. He also quickly accepted that his sexuality was about men. He talked, dreamt and thought about men. He arrived saying he was bisexual but left feeling safe in his truth. He had been conning himself. I discovered he had never really talked with anyone about sex and particularly about gay sex so here was another area needing frank discussion and information. He realised that his sexual drive was not weird or exclusive to him.

Breakthroughs of a quieter kind

I have always believed nature and animals in particular were an important part of the recovery process for any emotional problems. I have three dogs and they buzzed round him like demented nurses lavishing indulgent care on a patient. I have a Golden Retriever who he loved to have sleeping by his bed whenever possible. It made him feel safe and that was one of the biggest keys in this man’s progress. I told him on a daily basis that he was always safe no matter where he was and who he was with. Mantra-like I repeated for him that he was at home anywhere in the world. His fear of being alone had been enormous and his fear of being in groups was also totally intimidating for him. Some five weeks into his stay here I had arranged a Jazz concert in my church and the day before that event the musicians and their partners had arrived to set up for the following evening. We had a communal meal in the church and there were some 14 of us that evening. I knew this would be a test for my live-in guest and I decided not to say anything about the alcohol although I suspected it might open Pandora’s box on his stay here. His freeze fear at the start of the evening because of his paranoia about groups of people developed into a major drinking bout. I finally went against my beliefs and went over to him saying that I could not in all conscience condone his drinking after the work we had so successfully done together. I never say “don’t” to anyone, particularly to an addict. He stared at me and pushed away the glass. Eventually he went to his bedroom looking very shabby of mood. I put my head round his bedroom door and quietly said “I’m not giving up on you, you know!” The next morning I went into his room and he had returned to his headphone hiding. He asked me if I was ashamed of him and I said “No way!” I asked him if he knew how much he had drunk and he said that he thought around two glasses or three at most. I told him that I knew he had consumed in excess of 8 or 9 glasses of wine that I had noticed. The shock on his face was genuine. In that moment he saw how he lost control once he started drinking. I avoided the punishment route he was seeking and pushed him on to new discoveries about himself all day. This was a man who had seen his drinking as destructive for him. You will notice that I have now said man again and not boy as I watched him mature on all levels. His inner growth and positive attitude grew daily. His need for alcohol diminished and even his need for cigarettes lessened. As we ate together, went swimming together and laughed on a daily basis together his view of what his life could be in the future expanded. The negative past had less and less of a hold on him. I was working on him to feel comfortable with, and even enjoy, silence.

This addiction for constant activity and noise is, I feel, a modern disease. He had been frightened that if a silence fell anywhere near him it had to be filled. He had shaken with fear when there was a silence. At home silence was synonymous with frozen out and ignored. I had taken away his mobile phone after the first few days. He used his headphones less and less. A voice teacher friend told him that headphones reduced his hearing abilities. As he already had impaired hearing he realised this was not a good way for him. I also noticed that his singing was marred after he had used the headphones. He took everything on board. He understood and tried to put all of it into practice. I discovered that his deafness was less than he had believed or had been lead to believe. I sometimes whispered deliberately to see if he responded and invariably he did. It was a family weakness but it was reinforced in his belief system by a constant reminder from the rest of his family and friends.

Conclusion

We looked at many of the emotional causes of his alcohol problems. His anger and resentment of his Father and to a lesser extent his Mother, jealousy of his siblings and the peer pressure he felt around alcohol and how he was seen by others. Using Psychotherapy, Psychodrama and general analysis we saw how much of his thoughts had not been real and were founded on misconceptions or lack of knowledge about emotions. He was here 60 days and that is not long enough to deal with all the roots of the causes but we laid the foundations for his life beginning on a more positive and fruitful landscape. He left here wanting to enjoy life and do well. His work and life continue with enthusiasm and success as he faces reality with fortitude, clarity and optimism. He is doing amazingly well. His care of himself and his family has grown and he appreciates his own look and talents for the first time in his life. On the day he left as I drove him through the mountains to Spoleto to catch the Rome train he turned to me and said “I feel ill”. I asked him what this ill looked like, felt like. He breathed in and said “Oh wait a minute, this is not illness. I feel angry that I have to leave and frightened to return home. Not illness but feelings. Wow.” What he had previously understood as illness in the past, he now recognised as feelings. He can show the way for his family and others now with that thought. He had gone past the need to crave booze and anti-depressants with this simple recognition.

This was an intensive forage into the working of his mind and the emotions created by his mind. He understood how he swallowed his disappointments and anger and didn’t speak them at the time but stored them for his weekly or monthly eruptions. He came to understand that he had no control over his drinking but he wanted to try controlled drinking when he returned home. I never say ‘don’t’ to any human being and particularly not to an addictive personality. He knows the truth. It is his next challenge to accept himself as he is. To like and love himself just as he is. I found the most charismatic, intuitive, caring and intelligent young man under a former dark cloud of negative emotions and thoughts. He was a joy to work with as he was eager to find a better life for himself. A life in which he can be creative and intuitive. He was not easy to deal with every minute of his time here but being with him was always rewarding and fun too. A truly personal rehabilitation. The mountain area where I live offers many activities and explorations for all. I now look forward to homing 2 or 3 clients together. A successful venture indeed.

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