7 Months

Written By: Haven House Sober Living Date: March 23rd, 2009. Topic: Member Blogs.

I have been clean now for almost 7 months. This is the longest I have ever managed without drugs or alcohol since I started using. I have attempted to get clean several times now with little success. I used to fear that life wasn’t possible without using. Sometimes that old fear still stirs.

The first time I attempted staying clean was when I was about 18 years old. I entered rehab for 30 days and left more motivated and excited than I had felt in years. This was natural excitement for actually feeling life again and possibly having a chance to do something with it. They tried to convince me that I needed to go to meetings and have an aftercare plan in order to maintain my sobriety. I thought at the time that meetings were for the weak, and that those who attended them were actually addicted to being addicted. I despised the meetings and vowed I would never become one of them. Reluctantly I agreed to try outpatient for 5 weeks after I discharged. Less than 2 weeks later I quit. I remember leaving for the last time after an argument with one of the employees. I had told the group that I was going out with old friends a few nights a week to parties and enjoying myself without the need to drink or use. I told them that these weren’t my drug buddies but my friends that I grew up with and only drank with. It was easy for me to stay clean then even in front of the alcohol and pot, because I saw how great life was and knew that I didn’t want to use again. They warned me that maybe not now, but soon it would catch up to me. He said, “you hang around the barber shop long enough, you’re gonna get a haircut.” I left resentful and determined to prove them all wrong and be the one who was different. Things in life were good at that point. Why would I want to use? Then one day everything changed. Just after I had three months clean as a dry drunk the tables turned and things got hard. I didn’t attend meetings, didn’t have a sponsor, didn’t have any sober friends, didn’t have the tools to deal with what was dealt. Life started to happen and I resorted to my only known solution to bury the fear.

A long time passed before I hit rock bottom again and checked back into rehab. This time around I decided to listen to some of what they were saying, since I was starting to realize they might have a point. I stayed 45 days that time and checked out a new man. I went to meetings regularly, got a sponsor that I knew from my previous time in rehab, but didn’t work the steps or really attempt to change any of my behaviors or attitudes. I had certain reservations waiting for me in the future as well. Drugs that I was never “addicted” to but was able to do on just occasions. In this case LSD. They told me long before another relapse occurred that reservations usually get fulfilled long before planned. That they are a set up for failure. About 4 months clean, working half a program I met someone I used to party with in an N/A meeting. He had about a day or so clean and was looking for someone to hang out with and help him out. I thought that this was my chance to help the newcomer, because they always say, even if you have one more day than someone, you can help them. So I tried. We hung out for a few days, went to some meetings, and by the third day the topic of acid came up. It was only minutes before we both decided to do it. I told myself that I would do it this one night and then continue in my sobriety the way I was doing the next day. It didn’t happen that way. Once you get clean you never get high the same again. The message is always there to haunt you. Days later I was getting high on heroin and cocaine again. I still believed I was in control, even during the lack of.

This run lasted much longer. I went to drastic measures to keep my addiction alive. Near the end of this last run I came to believe that this was where it truly ends for me. I would never be capable of staying sober and doing something with my life. I accepted this and prepared for the end without much care. I don’t remember exactly how it all happened, but something greater than myself drove me to seek help again in hope for perhaps another shot at life. I was lifeless, and didn’t expect to change. Family matters at this point were rough. Money was rough. Legal issues consumed everything of ours. I feared that even if I came clean and begged for help, that this time around help wouldn’t come. But things seemed to fall into place just right as I got honest and made the decision that I was done. I entered treatment a few days later for 3 months. This time taking it all in, listening to ever word they said. At first I was furious I was clean. I felt I wasn’t done yet. But as I realized how lucky I was to have yet another chance at this, I surrendered. Things really began to change after this admission to myself. I knew after three months that I still was not ready to face the world alone. I decided to check into a sober living house. The day I got to Haven-House I was in fear and regret. I could do this on my own I thought. But I faced that fear and soon realized how grateful I was to be in such a safe place. I’ve been here for about 4 months now and it has truly been one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given. I was not ready to enter the world alone. And through many struggles, some in which I know I would have used over, I have overcome with the help of the staff, the fellowship and the housemates. I owe my life now to God and to this house for helping me develop a way of living clean in a new city to me. I now have a sponsor, work the steps, attend meetings regularly, attend school full time, exercise almost every day, and live life. Life is possible clean I’ve realized. And I know there are many more hard days to come but for today I am grateful because today I am clean and have a shot at doing more with my life.

By ‘B.H.’

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